You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

For most of us, wisdom is acquired in the thicket of experience and usually meets us somewhere along the way if we live long enough. But sooner is better than later.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

Christmas time! That man must be a misanthrope indeed, in whose breast something like a jovial feeling is not roused – in whose mind some pleasant associations are not awakened – by the recurrence of Christmas.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

The first forty years of life give us the text; the next thirty supply the commentary on it.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

The God who existed before any religion counts on you to make the oneness of the human family known and celebrated.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Stand-up is hard.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

You can be young without money but you can’t be old without it.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

The whole aspect of cinema and film festivals should be a moment to come together and celebrate art and humanity. It would be a shame if there was such a divide.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

As you get older, time speeds up but life slows down.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I have quite a decent constitution in spite of all my abuse of it and my advanced years. I’m still quite robust.

The most important thing I can tell you about aging is this: If you really feel that you want to have an off-the-shoulder blouse and some big beads and thong sandals and a dirndl skirt and a magnolia in your hair, do it. Even if you’re wrinkled.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

For a young person, it is almost a sin, or at least a danger, to be too preoccupied with himself; but for the ageing person, it is a duty and a necessity to devote serious attention to himself.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.