You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue with that; I’m right and I will be proved right. We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first – rock and roll or Christianity.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

In the late 19th century there was a major union organization, Knights of Labor, and also a radical populist movement based on farmers. It’s hard to believe, but it was based in Texas, and it was quite radical. They wanted their own banks, their own cooperatives, their own control over sales and commerce.

I have never believed much in luck, and my sense of humor has tended to walk on the dark side.

If a man had more than one life, I think a little hanging would not hurt this one; but after he is once dead, we cannot bring him back, no matter how sorry we may be; so the boy shall be pardoned.

If you’re looking for the safe choice, you shouldn’t be supporting a black guy named Barack Obama to be the next leader of the free world.

No true believer could be intolerant or a persecutor. If I were a magistrate and the law carried the death penalty against atheists, I would begin by sending to the stake whoever denounced another.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I perhaps ought to say that individually I never was much interested in the Texas question. I never could see much good to come of annexation, inasmuch as they were already a free republican people on our own model.

If Hitler invaded hell I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.

I have no need for good souls: an accomplice is what I wanted.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

After all, every murderer when he kills runs the risk of the most dreadful of deaths, whereas those who kill him risk nothing except promotion.

Thank God, I never was cheerful. I come from the happy stock of the Mathers, who, as you remember, passed sweet mornings reflecting on the goodness of God and the damnation of infants.

I expected to die. At no time before the trial did I expect to escape with my life. Yet being executed in the gas chamber did not necessarily mean defeat. It could be one more step to bring the community to a higher level of consciousness.

If I’d found out that Norman Mailer liked me. I’d have killed myself.

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

To be famous, in fact, one has only to kill one’s landlady.

In terms of mathematics textbooks, why can’t you have the scale of a national market? Right now, we have a Texas textbook that’s different from a California textbook that’s different from a Massachusetts textbook. That’s very expensive.

Most states in the union where the death penalty is theoretically on the books don’t have executions.

For centuries the death penalty, often accompanied by barbarous refinements, has been trying to hold crime in check; yet crime persists. Why? Because the instincts that are warring in man are not, as the law claims, constant forces in a state of equilibrium.

I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

There’s a War Crimes Act in the United States passed by a Republican Congress in 1996, which says that grave breaches of the Geneva Convention are subject to the death penalty. And that doesn’t mean the soldier that committed them – that means the commanders.

There ought to be one day – just one – when there is open season on senators.

It is always consoling to think of suicide: in that way one gets through many a bad night.

Sectional football games have the glory and the despair of war, and when a Texas team takes the field against a foreign state, it is an army with banners.

Notre Dame is the one school that has a national recruiting base, from Florida to Texas to California.

He would make a lovely corpse.

Cruelty would be delicious if one could only find some sort of cruelty that didn’t really hurt.

Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called ‚walking.‘

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.