You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

No one in this world, so far as I know – and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me – has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

There is no such thing as Something for nothing.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

Nobody spends any money on smallpox unless they worry about a bio-terrorist recreating it.

Liking money like I like it, is nothing less than mysticism. Money is a glory.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

I need scarcely observe that a poem deserves its title only inasmuch as it excites, by elevating the soul. The value of the poem is in the ratio of this elevating excitement.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

If you have the insight of non-self, if you have the insight of impermanence, you should make that insight into a concentration that you keep alive throughout the day. Then what you say, what you think, and what you do will then be in the light of that wisdom and you will avoid making mistakes and creating suffering.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.

Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention.

Value is what you get.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

I have so much in my life. I want to be of value to the world.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Regarding life, the wisest men of all ages have judged alike: it is worthless.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

Where sense is wanting, everything is wanting.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

We are the only real aristocracy in the world: the aristocracy of money.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Musicians are there in front of you, and the spectators sense their tension, which is not the case when you’re listening to a record. Your attention is more relaxed. The emotional aspect is more important in live music.

Of course, to have money is just great because you can do what you think is important to you.

I would as soon leave my son a curse as the almighty dollar.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

The true measure of the value of any business leader and manager is performance.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I don’t have time to be lonely. And I get fearful of relationships because I feel guilty about wanting someone to be completely faithful and loyal, when I can’t even give them 10 percent of the attention that they need. It’s just the reality of my time, my life, my schedule.

Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?

Software options proliferate extremely easily – too easily, in fact – because too many options create tools that can’t ever be used intuitively. Intuitive actions confine the detail work to a dedicated part of the brain, leaving the rest of one’s mind free to respond with attention and sensitivity to the changing texture of the moment.

It was the money from ‚Star Wars‘ and ‚Jaws‘ that allowed the theaters to build their multiplexes, which allowed an opening up of screens.

Successful people make money. It’s not that people who make money become successful, but that successful people attract money. They bring success to what they do.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I mean, I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Riches are a good hand maiden, but a poor mistress.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction.

This is the first age that’s ever paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

The money can be a hindrance to someone like me because the danger is that you start thinking, ‚Is that a $20 million take?‘ That kind of thing, and being self-critical.

If literature isn’t everything, it’s not worth a single hour of someone’s trouble.

Even with my divorce and with everything, I don’t need money.