You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real security that a man will have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability.

Money often costs too much.

Money’s important. Everyone cares about money. And when you don’t have money, money becomes the overriding obsession of your life.

In Italy they take cheap cloth and make it look expensive, but I take expensive cloth and make it look cheap. They just don’t understand.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

People don’t realize that we, we meaning people in show business, have the same problems as everyone else. Money doesn’t change that. Fame doesn’t change that. Sometimes that brings on more problems. You know, it’s just a different kind of problems.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.

My favorite things in life don’t cost any money. It’s really clear that the most precious resource we all have is time.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

I will never win an Oscar, and do you know why? First of all, because I’m not Jewish. Secondly, I make too much money for all those old farts in the Academy.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

When the first big paycheque with ‚Dumb And Dumber‘ hit, I went: ‚Gosh, I wonder if this will affect my performance. Will I do a take and think, was that worth $7 million?‘ But that never happened. If anything, it made me rebel against that thing when people who get rich start playing it safe.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

Regarding life, the wisest men of all ages have judged alike: it is worthless.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Money has no utility to me beyond a certain point.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

No one in this world, so far as I know – and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me – has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Understand, when you eat meat, that something did die. You have an obligation to value it – not just the sirloin but also all those wonderful tough little bits.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

Money won’t create success, the freedom to make it will.

Money is kind of a base subject. Like water, food, air and housing, it affects everything yet for some reason the world of academics thinks it’s a subject below their social standing.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

I felt unhappy and trapped. If I left baseball, where could I go, what could I do to earn enough money to help my mother and to marry Rachel? The solution to my problem was only days away in the hands of a tough, shrewd, courageous man called Branch Rickey, the president of the Brooklyn Dodgers.

Value is what you get.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

Modern poets talk against business, poor things, but all of us write for money. Beginners are subjected to trial by market.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

You cannot spend money in luxury without doing good to the poor. Nay, you do more good to them by spending it in luxury, than by giving it; for by spending it in luxury, you make them exert industry, whereas by giving it, you keep them idle.

Money for me today does not really matter.

My share of the work may be limited, but the fact that it is work makes it precious.

For I can raise no money by vile means.

I think some of my colleagues‘ spicier lines are distracting. They draw attention away from what the justice is trying to say.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can’t help it. It’s the truth.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

I’m always amazed at how many people assume a business has to lose money before it makes money.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.