You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

Nothing is to be rated higher than the value of the day.

Wit is educated insolence.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

This is the first age that’s ever paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Driving up the value of the advertising is a big commitment for Microsoft.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

When I chased after money, I never had enough. When I got my life on purpose and focused on giving of myself and everything that arrived into my life, then I was prosperous.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

It’s vulgar, coming from where I do, to talk about money.

Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

When you say ‚follow me on Twitter,‘ and you get 10 million people to follow you – you just leveraged your influence to add value to an app that you have no ownership in.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Behold a worthy sight, to which the God, turning his attention to his own work, may direct his gaze. Behold an equal thing, worthy of a God, a brave man matched in conflict with evil fortune.

It’s a funny old world.

Money is not required to buy one necessity of the soul.

Thought can be so seductive and hypnotic that it absorbs your attention totally, so you become your thoughts.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Wisdom is found only in truth.

I know of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man who devotes all the hours of the waking day to the making of money for money’s sake.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

The worship of the golden calf of old has found a new and heartless image in the cult of money and the dictatorship of an economy which is faceless and lacking any truly human goal.

I actually do think you’re seeing this trend towards organizations just caring more about their brand and engaging. And so I think Home Depot will want to humanize itself. I think that’s a lot of why companies are starting blogs, are just giving more insight into what’s going on with them.

Too many people measure how successful they are by how much money they make or the people that they associate with. In my opinion, true success should be measured by how happy you are.

An actress is not a machine, but they treat you like a machine. A money machine.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

I always thought money was something just to make me happy. But I’ve learned that I feel better being able to help my folks, ‚cause we never had nothing. So just to see them excited about my career is more of a blessing than me actually having it for myself.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

I like money, but it’s never been about the money.

In the world of money and investing, you must learn to control your emotions.

Life being very short, and the quiet hours of it few, we ought to waste none of them in reading valueless books.

The use of money is all the advantage there is in having it.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

It’s a fundamental, social attitude that the 1% supports symphonies and operas and doesn’t support Johnny learning to program hip-hop beats. When I put it like that, it sounds like, ‚Well, yeah,‘ but you start to think, ‚Why not, though?‘ What makes one more valuable than another?

We should seek the greatest value of our action.

The willingness and ability to live fully in the now eludes many people. While eating your appetizer, don’t be concerned with dessert.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

The circulation of confidence is better than the circulation of money.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.