You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Stand-up is my baby.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

I hate to be smart.

I think I have always had a little humor.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.