You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for changes.

From an eternal perspective, the only death that is truly premature is the death of one who is not prepared to meet God.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I grew up in a funny way.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

Wit is educated insolence.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

The secret to humor is surprise.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.