You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

There’s no one thing that is true. They’re all true.

The world is seldom what it seems; to man, who dimly sees, realities appear as dreams, and dreams realities.

I don’t have much positive to say about motor neuron disease, but it taught me not to pity myself because others were worse off, and to get on with what I still could do. I’m happier now than before I developed the condition.

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.

We only need so much to survive, but this world we live in tells us we need more stuff to be happy. We’re inundated with our televisions, the Internet and advertising that says in order to be happy you have to have these things. When you say, ‚Gimme, gimme, gimme,‘ you will always be in short supply.

I think we have to own the fears that we have of each other, and then, in some practical way, some daily way, figure out how to see people differently than the way we were brought up to.

I have found out in later years that we were very poor, but the glory of America is that we didn’t know it then.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

There is nothing, Sir, too little for so little a creature as man. It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery and as much happiness as possible.

I always thought money was something just to make me happy. But I’ve learned that I feel better being able to help my folks, ‚cause we never had nothing. So just to see them excited about my career is more of a blessing than me actually having it for myself.

My own view is that every company requires a long-term view.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

I mean, families are weird.

There is nothing more tragic than to find an individual bogged down in the length of life, devoid of breadth.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the change of scene.

We should not look at terrorism from the nameplates – which group they belong to, what is their geographical location, who are the victims. These individual groups or names will keep changing.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

The hardest thing to see is what is in front of your eyes.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

When I first went to places where people were suffering from war and persecution, I felt ashamed of my feelings of sadness. I could see more possibilities in my life.

In my own life I know that my state of cheerfulness is a reliable gauge of my level of spiritual enlightenment at that moment. The more cheerful, happy, contented, and satisfied I am feeling, the more aware I am of my deep connection to Spirit.

Character is determined more by the lack of certain experiences than by those one has had.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.

If we chew every morsel of our food, in that way we become grateful, and when you are grateful, you are happy.

It definitely has learning a lesson about the way you’re living your life. I wouldn’t compare our movie to that, but it has a structure where it’s about a man who doesn’t appreciate all that he has and finds out at the end that life has been great and he has to enjoy that.

To understand the nature of the people one must be a prince, and to understand the nature of the prince, one must be of the people.

I do believe in the old saying, ‚What does not kill you makes you stronger.‘ Our experiences, good and bad, make us who we are. By overcoming difficulties, we gain strength and maturity.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4.

Nature and human life are as various as our several constitutions. Who shall say what prospect life offers to another?

There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his.

If you’re not careful to think and speak words of faith, worry will creep in, and it will not only steal your peace and joy, it will steal your ‚today.‘ The present is the greatest gift God ever gives us. So hold on to the peace that’s yours in Christ. Don’t let it go.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving.

To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.

Fear is not a lasting teacher of duty.

The things hardest to bear are sweetest to remember.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

Of the blessings set before you make your choice, and be content.

The Revlon Run/Walk effort to focus on women’s cancer has my wholehearted support and gratitude.

Being elected to Congress, though I am very grateful to our friends for having done it, has not pleased me as much as I expected.

Isn’t it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

In war, when a commander becomes so bereft of reason and perspective that he fails to understand the dependence of arms on Divine guidance, he no longer deserves victory.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

I am neither bitter nor cynical but I do wish there was less immaturity in political thinking.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

Happiness is neither without us nor within us. It is in God, both without us and within us.

You may never get to that perfect world that you’re waiting for where everything’s going to be perfect and you got that much money and your house paid off.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

In one case out of a hundred a point is excessively discussed because it is obscure; in the ninety-nine remaining it is obscure because it is excessively discussed.

There are various eyes. Even the Sphinx has eyes: and as a result there are various truths, and as a result there is no truth.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.