Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

French fries kill more people than guns and sharks, yet nobody’s afraid of French fries.

There is no gambling like politics.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

If the national mental illness of the United States is megalomania, that of Canada is paranoid schizophrenia.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

‚Kiss Land‘ is like a horror movie.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Obama has succeeded in descending even below George W. Bush in approval in the Arab world. It’s minuscule, few percent.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

He who steals a little steals with the same wish as he who steals much, but with less power.

Politics is applesauce.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

Humor is reason gone mad.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries.

In the past there were people who were not rich but contented with their living style, laughing and happy all day. But when the new rich people appear, people look at them and ask, ‚why don’t I have a life like that too, a beautiful house, car and garden,‘ and they abandon their values.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

David Icke reminded me of Malcolm X.

Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.