It’s a funny old world.
Margaret ThatcherWhen I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
Jerry SeinfeldThere is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma BombeckThe United States is afraid of China; it is not a military threat to anyone and is the least aggressive of all the major military powers.
Noam ChomskyWit is educated insolence.
AristotleNever lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma BombeckYou know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George CarlinMy husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.
Dolly PartonIt’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.
Steven WrightThere was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘
Jim CarreyPeople may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.
Steven WrightI had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven WrightI’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.
Dolly PartonEight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.
Terry PratchettI almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.
Fidel CastroWork is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar WildeWhen a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.
George Bernard ShawI don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.
Steven WrightIf Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
Will RogersI remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?
J. K. RowlingDo not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert HubbardGod and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.
Dolly PartonThere is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Erma BombeckAs usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
John LennonIn the end, everything is a gag.
Charlie ChaplinYou know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven WrightThe threat and use of violence is stimulating nuclear proliferation along with jihadi terrorism.
Noam ChomskyI was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!
Douglas AdamsGod is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
H. L. MenckenI love making people laugh. And I love laughing.
Kevin HartMarrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Eleanor RooseveltHumor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.
Jimmy BuffettEverything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Will RogersI was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.
J. ColeIt is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.
Gilbert K. ChestertonYou know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘
Jerry SeinfeldI went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George CarlinIt is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.
Angelina JolieI was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
Erma BombeckA two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Jerry SeinfeldEverything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.
Karl LagerfeldThe only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.
Will RogersI would never win an award for not loving pizza.
Dwayne JohnsonGood jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.
Steven WrightChefs are fond of hyperbole, so they can certainly talk that way. But on the whole, I think they probably have a more open mind than most people.
Anthony BourdainWe were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘
Lou HoltzEverything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
Will RogersThere is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank ZappaIn this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
H. L. MenckenStand-up is my baby.
Kevin HartIce-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.
VoltaireYou can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.
Anthony BourdainI just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.
Kamala HarrisWhen you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.
Kevin HartI’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.
Jackie ChanChris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.
Kevin HartI was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
George CarlinMen don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry SeinfeldOf puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.
Edgar Allan Poe