Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

Men don’t really like skinny, do they?

I have known people who are working class or craftsmen, who happen to be more intellectual than professors.

I wouldn’t say I’m a feminist, but I don’t like girls pretending to be stupid because it’s easier.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I really don’t like women who try to be men. All these politicians, I think they’re horrendous. We could have a brilliant future, but we have this terrible male vision of destroying everything. They’d better sort themselves out and become more womanly.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

We’re African-American and we work together as a family, so people assume we’re like the Jacksons. But I didn’t have parents using me to get out of a bad situation.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

In Puerto Rico we dance to everything.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.