Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Women must pay for everything. They do get more glory than men for comparable feats, but, they also get more notoriety when they crash.

I don’t think that a same-sex marriage is the way God intended it to be.

Eight years ago, you may remember Hillary and I were rivals for the Democratic nomination. We battled for a year and a half. Let me tell you, it was tough, because Hillary was tough. I was worn out. She was doing everything I was doing, but just like Ginger Rogers, it was backwards in heels.

My mother never made me do anything for my brothers, like serve them. I think that’s an important lesson, especially for the Latino culture, because the women are expected to be the ones that serve and cook and whatever. Not in our family. Everybody was equal.

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

People have so many hang-ups about how other people live their lives. People always want to keep you in a little box, or they need to label you and fix you in time and location.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Tell your wife often how terrific she looks.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

I think women go crazy for a reason. It’s not like it just happens.

My mother was born in Baltimore, and before her marriage, she was an artist and teacher of art.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

If you want to give up the admiration of thousands of men for the distain of one, go ahead, get married.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.

The secret to humor is surprise.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

There are plenty of people who are, I think, completely racist who love hip-hop.

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent.

Here’s the thing. We do a movie with a predominantly black cast, and it’s put in a category of being a black film. When other movies are done with a predominantly white cast, we don’t call them a white film. I’m trying to remove the stigma off things they call black films.

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

My wife thinks she’s better than me at puzzles. I haven’t given in on that one yet.

Stupid as a man, say the women: cowardly as a woman, say the men. Stupidity in a woman is unwomanly.

We were born with a capacity to grow, love, marry, and form families.

There was once a caustic comment from someone suggesting I was breeding a new race. Fans from different countries have married, amazing things like that. I’ve been to some of the weddings. I went to one here the other day, a pagan ceremony.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

I look like a woman, but I think like a man.

The public doesn’t mind people living together without being married, providing they don’t overdo it.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

Rituals are important. Nowadays it’s hip not to be married. I’m not interested in being hip.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

My partner Donald Trump says that married couples should always have a prenuptial agreement. True, a prenuptial is important if one partner is much richer than the other before marriage, but Kim and I don’t have one.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

If a woman possesses manly virtues one should run away from her; and if she does not possess them she runs away from herself.

People who bowl vote. Bowlers are not the cultural elite.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

I opposed the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996. It should be repealed and I will vote for its repeal on the Senate floor. I will also oppose any proposal to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gays and lesbians from marrying.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

Marriage is a school itself. Also, having children. Becoming a father changed my whole life. It taught me as if by revelation.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.