Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I took the vow of celibacy in 1906. I had not shared my thoughts with my wife until then, but only consulted her at the time of making the vow. She had no objection.

I think that feminists have definitely underestimated the role that women have had historically. I think I would be insecure if I were to be a man; there’s so much pressure on you.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

When it comes to gossip, I have to readily admit men are as guilty as women.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

I’ve never had a dislike for men. I’ve been badly treated by some. But I’ve been loved greatly by some. I married a lot of them.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I would be married, but I’d have no wife, I would be married to a single life.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

I married my best friend that happens to be a girl.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

Eight years ago, you may remember Hillary and I were rivals for the Democratic nomination. We battled for a year and a half. Let me tell you, it was tough, because Hillary was tough. I was worn out. She was doing everything I was doing, but just like Ginger Rogers, it was backwards in heels.

I guess I have always been deeply terrified to really be someone’s wife since I know from life one cannot love another, ever, really.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

If women were particular about men’s characters, they would never get married at all.

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

Generally speaking, men are held in great esteem in all parts of the world, so why shouldn’t women have their share? Soldiers and war heroes are honored and commemorated, explorers are granted immortal fame, martyrs are revered, but how many people look upon women too as soldiers?

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

If I write badly about blacks, homosexuals and women, it is because of these who I met were that. There are many ‚bads‘ – bad dogs, bad censorship; there are even ‚bad‘ white males. Only, when you write about ‚bad‘ white males, they don’t complain about it. And need I say that there are ‚good‘ blacks, ‚good‘ homosexuals and ‚good‘ women?

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

It was really hard for them to intimidate me. They felt I was intimidating. One of the growers had a name for me: I think it was ‚dragon lady‘ or something like it.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

One of the things being in politics has taught me is that men are not a reasoned or reasonable sex.

Rituals are important. Nowadays it’s hip not to be married. I’m not interested in being hip.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating – is this the exact right mix? I think that’s – to me it’s anti-comedy. It’s more about PC-nonsense.

‚Tis strange what a man may do, and a woman yet think him an angel.

We’re so immaturely cynical as a culture. We’re not wise enough to look at an institution like marriage and to really things about what it means and what it signifies. It signifies a place where people can tie the ropes of their lives together so that they’re stronger. It signifies a place where people can tell the truth to one another.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

I seem to be getting a lot of things pushed my way that are strong women. It’s like people see Hackers and they send me offers to play tough women with guns, the kind who wear no bra and a little tank top. I’d like to play strong women who are also very feminine.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

I wasn’t going to shy away from getting married when I did and having a baby young and starting a family, even with the job that I chose.

Men’s vows are women’s traitors!

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

There’s a big difference between falling in love with someone and falling in love with someone and getting married. Usually, after you get married, you fall in love with the person even more.

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

If a woman possesses manly virtues one should run away from her; and if she does not possess them she runs away from herself.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

I’ve married somebody who I knew for 14 years. So, I’m just living with a friend. All through my ups and downs in football, from winning the I-League to losing the ISL final, she has been a source of great support.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.

In the Western Church to which I belong, priests cannot be married as in the Byzantine, Ukrainian, Russian or Greek Catholic Churches. In those churches, the priests can be married, but the bishops have to be celibate. They are very good priests.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.