Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

The boys know they’re from Southeast Asia, and they have their food and their music and their friends, and they have a pride particular to them.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

I’m not looking to freak people out – eating rodents or bugs. I don’t do that anymore.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

A man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than he does of his dinner.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

The equal right of all citizens to health, education, work, food, security, culture, science, and wellbeing – that is, the same rights we proclaimed when we began our struggle, in addition to those which emerge from our dreams of justice and equality for all inhabitants of our world – is what I wish for all.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

The Kobe craze really annoyed me. Most of the practitioners had no real understanding of the product and were abusing it and exploiting it in terrible and ridiculous ways. Kobe beef should not be used in a hamburger. It’s completely pointless.

I think about food literally all day every day. It’s a thing.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?