Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Nothing is more terrible than to see ignorance in action.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Brevity is the soul of wit.

Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

If everything isn’t black and white, I say, ‚Why the hell not?‘

What is past is prologue.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

I like nonsense; it wakes up the brain cells.

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

God does not play dice.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

The most interesting thing about a postage stamp is the persistence with which it sticks to its job.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

A house divided against itself cannot stand.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

There is a certain majesty in simplicity which is far above all the quaintness of wit.

I must be cruel, only to be kind.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

Language is wine upon the lips.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.

I have little bones.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.