When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

You are always hoping that movie audiences are interested in characters and interested in story values rather than just mindless special effects. But you never know.

I enjoy acting when you really hit it right.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

Of course, it does depend on the people, but sometimes I’m invited places to kind of brighten up a dinner table like a musician who’ll play the piano after dinner, and I know you’re not really invited for yourself. You’re just an ornament.

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‚You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.‘

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

‚Leading man‘ just means people want to see you and assume that you can hold a film, carry a movie.

Dreaming about being an actress, is more exciting then being one.

One of the things you’re doing when you make art, apart from entertaining yourself and other people, is trying to see what ways of working feel good, what feels right.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

I work hard for the audience. It’s entertainment. I don’t need validation.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

It’s a lot of fun to fight.

Diana Ross is a big inspiration to all of us. We all grew up watching everything about her – her mike placement, her grace, her style and her class.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

I went through a period when I felt my film characters were having more fun than I was. It might partly explain why I ended up tattooed or doing certain extreme things in my life.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

What a blast it is to be here with Michael Moore.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

Movies are a fad. Audiences really want to see live actors on a stage.

Actors know, with me they aren’t going to be allowed to rehearse a scene for a couple of hours and then get away with doing 25 takes before we get it right. So they come with their full bag of tricks.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Acting is nothing more or less than playing. The idea is to humanize life.

In case you’re wondering whether I lip synch, the answer is no… people think so because I sound so good.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

You can always think of something like the Xbox 360 as a super set-top box that can do everything the set-top box does, but then have the graphics to do the games as well.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

That’s a traditional Samoan dance. I was lucky that I was able to fly my cousins, who are professional dancers, up from Hawaii and they were able to be in the movie with me. We had a great time.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

You’re unlikely to discover something new without a lot of practice on old stuff, but further, you should get a heck of a lot of fun out of working out funny relations and interesting things.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

I’m not a film buff. I don’t watch a lot of movies.

I like entertaining people. I really miss it.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

If you can be mentally stimulated by the workout and find out how to get through it, it’s more fun.

I could imagine at a certain age, when I have no vocal cords left, that I would find a young man who could sing my parts for me. But I don’t see why I would stop.

Everybody is entertained to death.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?