When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I think it’s very important to cry in the shower and not in front of them. They need to know that everything’s going to be all right, even when you’re not sure it is.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Laughter heals all wounds, and that’s one thing that everybody shares. No matter what you’re going through, it makes you forget about your problems. I think the world should keep laughing.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I suffer from deep depression, so my only release is music.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I hate to be smart.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

We are in danger of destroying ourselves by our greed and stupidity. We cannot remain looking inwards at ourselves on a small and increasingly polluted and overcrowded planet.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

People use irony as a defense mechanism.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

There is no absurdity so palpable but that it may be firmly planted in the human head if you only begin to inculcate it before the age of five, by constantly repeating it with an air of great solemnity.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I think I have always had a little humor.

If I feel anxious every time someone is staring at me, well, I can’t control what they stare at, but my reaction is, I’m just not going to go outside the house. I’m going to stay in and chill. And when I do go out, I understand what comes along with that.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

It’s a funny old world.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.