When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

We are in danger of destroying ourselves by our greed and stupidity. We cannot remain looking inwards at ourselves on a small and increasingly polluted and overcrowded planet.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

When people are very damaged, they can often meet the world with a kind of defiance.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

I think I have always had a little humor.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

To forget one’s purpose is the commonest form of stupidity.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

Wit is educated insolence.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

I think it’s very important to cry in the shower and not in front of them. They need to know that everything’s going to be all right, even when you’re not sure it is.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.