When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

Politics is applesauce.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

I love being in the United States Senate.

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Diplomacy: the art of restraining power.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

Politically, the world is so confused right now – there’s so much suffering caused by various movements by various parties and people in power in government.

What do you think a stimulus is? It’s spending – that’s the whole point! Seriously.

If people continue to feel like Democrats are looking after poor folks and Republicans are looking after rich folks and nobody is looking after me, then we don’t get a lot of stuff done. And the trend lines evidence the fact that folks have gotten squeezed. And obviously, 2007, 2008 really ripped open for people how vulnerable they were.

I try to speak plainly so that my constituents who don’t follow the nuances of government like I do, because they’re too busy earning a real living, can understand the issues before me. None of this stuff is brain surgery.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Domestic policy can only defeat us; foreign policy can kill us.

Obama has succeeded in descending even below George W. Bush in approval in the Arab world. It’s minuscule, few percent.

Everything isn’t political.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.

I think I have always had a little humor.

A politician is a man who understands government. A statesman is a politician who’s been dead for 15 years.

Politics have no relation to morals.

No group and no government can properly prescribe precisely what should constitute the body of knowledge with which true education is concerned.

In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.

I have no further use for America. I wouldn’t go back there if Jesus Christ was President.

I would rather drink weedkiller than support Obamacare.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

I believe that a government has only one religion – India first. A government has only one holy book – our Constitution. A government has only one kind of devotion – towards nation.

No fundamental social change occurs merely because government acts. It’s because civil society, the conscience of a country, begins to rise up and demand – demand – demand change.

Mankind, when left to themselves, are unfit for their own government.

Democracy is worth dying for, because it’s the most deeply honorable form of government ever devised by man.

I own that I am not a friend to a very energetic government. It is always oppressive.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

Netscape was able to get the government working on its behalf.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

The trouble with Nixon is that he’s a serious politics junkie. He’s totally hooked and like any other junkie, he’s a bummer to have around, especially as President.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

Idealism is the noble toga that political gentlemen drape over their will to power.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

Turkey must find its place if, of course, it can heal its internal sores, and none is more malignant than the perennial Kurdish issue.

Government actually grew during the Reagan years.

Politics is the art of controlling your environment.

Let me even say before I even get inaugurated, during the transition we are going to be having meetings all across the country with community organizations so that you have input into the agenda for the next presidency of the United States of America.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

I have no ambition to govern men; it is a painful and thankless office.

When our governments want to sell us a course of action, they do it by making sure it’s the only thing on the agenda, the only thing everyone’s talking about. And they pre-load the ensuing discussion with highly selected images, devious and prejudicial language, dubious linkages, weak or false ‚intelligence‘ and selected ‚leaks.‘

It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.

We have the oldest written constitution still in force in the world, and it starts out with three words, ‚We, the people.‘

If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.

As president, I’m committed to making Washington work better and rebuilding the trust of the people who sent us here.