When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

To deal with individual human needs at the everyday level can be noble sometimes.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I’ll be judged on the body of work and not the popularity of any one decision.

It’s not catastrophes, murders, deaths, diseases, that age and kill us; it’s the way people look and laugh, and run up the steps of omnibuses.

People forget that Mozart wrote for commissions. There’s a thing in psychology where they think if it’s popular, it can’t be serious.

I didn’t always have 14,000 people wanting to hang out with me on a Saturday night.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

One can know a man from his laugh, and if you like a man’s laugh before you know anything of him, you may confidently say that he is a good man.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first, rock ‚n‘ roll or Christianity.

As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

Wit is educated insolence.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

It’s no accident many accuse me of conducting public affairs with my heart instead of my head. Well, what if I do? Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

Give a child love, laughter and peace, not AIDS.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.