When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

I am like a man so busy in letting rooms in one end of his house, that he can’t stop to put out the fire that is burning the other.

Jack was out kissing babies while I was out passing bills. Someone had to tend the store.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

I have a memory, and I can just eliminate mistakes when they come up because I’ve already made them.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

Comedy Central was a great network, but ‚Chappelle’s Show‘ took it to a completely different level. Other shows got bigger because so many viewers were watching the ‚Chappelle‘ reruns. For BET, the ‚Real Husbands of Hollywood‘ has that same potential.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

Since the departure of good old-fashioned entertainers the re-emergence of somebody who wants to be an entertainer has unfortunately become a synonym for camp. I don’t think I’m camper than any other person who felt at home on stage, and felt more at home on stage than he did offstage.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

If every day you practice walking and sitting meditation and generate the energy of mindfulness and concentration and peace, you are a cell in the body of the new Buddha. This is not a dream but is possible today and tomorrow.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I had been told from school onwards that the best definition of a human being was man the tool-maker – yet I had just watched a chimp tool-maker in action. I remember that day as vividly as if it was yesterday.

Memory is deceptive because it is colored by today’s events.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

I had a great time being a salesman because of the pitches that I gave when I was selling shoes. However, I don’t think I’m as well versed in shoes as I am in comedy. Being a salesman was all about being a people person, and I enjoy being around people. I also love talking to people – which is why I think I did so well.

Music for me, it demands full concentration.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I can’t say that my disability has helped my work, but it has allowed me to concentrate on research without having to lecture or sit on boring committees.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

Concentration is one of the happiest things in my life.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

Comedy isn’t necessarily all dialogue. Think of Buster Keaton: the poker face and all this chaos going on all around him. Sometimes it’s a question of timing, of the proper rhythm.

Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory it too good.

Memory is the treasury and guardian of all things.

The memory of that scene for me is like a frame of film forever frozen at that moment: the red carpet, the green lawn, the white house, the leaden sky. The new president and his first lady.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

The sons of Judah have to choose that God may again choose them. The divine principle of our race is action, choice, resolved memory.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

I can get where some scientists would say comedians are crazy. What you have to understand: A lot of comedians are dealing with a dark passion. A lot of these are guys coming from a tumultuous life, including myself. Some people need outlets, a way to express yourself.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

It seems that it had been destined before that I should occupy myself so thoroughly with the vulture, for it comes to my mind as a very early memory, when I was still in the cradle, a vulture came down to me, he opened my mouth with his tail and struck me a few times with his tail against my lips.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

Nothing stands out so conspicuously, or remains so firmly fixed in the memory, as something which you have blundered.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.