When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

The moment people feel they know what to expect from you, your spell on them is broken. More: You have ceded them power.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Friendship is the marriage of the soul, and this marriage is liable to divorce.

War is what happens when language fails.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

Each life is made up of mistakes and learning, waiting and growing, practicing patience and being persistent.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

For most of us, relationship with another is based on dependence, either economic or psychological. This dependence creates fear, breeds in us possessiveness, results in friction, suspicion, frustration.

Jump out the window if you are the object of passion. Flee it if you feel it. Passion goes, boredom remains.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.

I’ve found that men I’ve dated who are in the same business can be really competitive. I’ve found a great group of girlfriends in the same business who aren’t competitive, but a few times guys have started comparing careers and it has been… challenging.

I’ll never make it, it will never happen, because they’re never going to hear me ‚cause they’re screaming all the time.

Facebook and Instagram are both really popular with teens, both in the U.S. and globally across the world. I think what you’re starting to see is that there are all these different ways that people want to share and communicate.

Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

‚Good English‘ is whatever educated people talk; so that what is good in one place or time would not be so in another.

I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything.

I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of, such as getting my girlfriend pregnant when I was 23 and the way I handled that.

If you have fear, you are bound by tradition, you follow some leader or guru. When you are bound by tradition, when you are afraid of your husband or your wife, you lose your dignity as an individual human being.

Those who cannot understand how to put their thoughts on ice should not enter into the heat of debate.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get – only with what you are expecting to give – which is everything.

Words, words, words! They shut one off from the universe. Three quarters of the time one’s never in contact with things, only with the beastly words that stand for them.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

You always have to remember that if you say something negative, it’s going to come back to haunt you.

I can honestly say, after talking about my mom passing away, I got the biggest weight off of my chest. Comedy is my therapy. That’s how I deal with my problems, my personal battles. I talk about it. I give it to my fans. When they laugh at it, it’s a release, for lack of a better word.

Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.

People talk to people who perceive nothing, who have open eyes and see nothing; they shall talk to them and receive no answer; they shall adore those who have ears and hear nothing; they shall burn lamps for those who do not see.

I like it when someone tells me ‚I don’t agree.‘ This is a true collaborator. When they say ‚Oh, how great, how great, how great,‘ that’s not useful.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

I get up at 7:30 and work four hours a day. Nine to twelve in the morning, five to six in the evening. Businessmen would achieve better results if they studied human metabolism. No one works well eight hours a day. No one ought to work more than four hours.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.

If you’re talking to a man who wouldn’t fight with you under any circumstances whatsoever, then you’re talking to someone for whom you have absolutely no respect.

There are slavish souls who carry their appreciation for favors done them so far that they strangle themselves with the rope of gratitude.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

I’ll be glad to reply to or dodge your questions, depending on what I think will help our election most.

I don’t think there’s an option for me to fall in love slowly or at medium speed. I either do, or I don’t.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

Sometimes I wonder if we shall ever grow up in our politics and say definite things which mean something, or whether we shall always go on using generalities to which everyone can subscribe, and which mean very little.

Language is a weapon of politicians, but language is a weapon in much of human affairs.

Without tact you can learn nothing.

When you have nobody you can make a cup of tea for, when nobody needs you, that’s when I think life is over.

My dad was never married. He was kind of a rolling stone. But he was never disrespectful. At the same time, even though he had women in his life when I was a kid, there wasn’t any consistency.

Complaining is dangerous business. It can damage or even destroy your relationship with God, your relationships with other people, and even with your relationship with yourself.

Great leaders are almost always great simplifiers, who can cut through argument, debate and doubt, to offer a solution everybody can understand.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

If you do not understand a man you cannot crush him. And if you do understand him, very probably you will not.

Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.

I think one of the basic reasons men make good friends is that they can make up their minds quickly.

If you’re really satisfied with your position on something, you just say, ‚Hey;‘ you just very calmly present something.

After the first day of practice, there’s not one guy who’s playing at 100 percent or who feels great. Sometimes, getting up in the morning and brushing your teeth is the hardest part of the day – it just hurts.

If you’re a politician, you might want to learn the Buddhist way of negotiation. Restoring communication and bringing back reconciliation is clear and concrete in Buddhism.

Life began with waking up and loving my mother’s face.