When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Language is the dress of thought.

Within one’s own family, money is not the measure of things, unless the person is an absolute Scrooge. Only the most extreme kind of monster would put a price on everything.

Football is a game you cannot play without making mistakes.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

Friendship is but another name for an alliance with the follies and the misfortunes of others. Our own share of miseries is sufficient: why enter then as volunteers into those of another?

A man’s face as a rule says more, and more interesting things, than his mouth, for it is a compendium of everything his mouth will ever say, in that it is the monogram of all this man’s thoughts and aspirations.

When I was a youngster I lived with different families. I nearly always felt closer to the man of the house. Maybe because I always dreamed of having a father of my own.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

My fans saw me get engaged, saw me make that woman my wife, me having kids, me divorcing, me talking about divorce before the divorce, me talking about my kids‘ reaction to that divorce.

Absolutely not. I have no problem with commitment. In fact, I love having someone in my life.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.

The mouth obeys poorly when the heart murmurs.

I’m not really that girl who dreams about her wedding day.

Words are also actions, and actions are a kind of words.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Men always talk about the most important things to perfect strangers. In the perfect stranger we perceive man himself; the image of a God is not disguised by resemblances to an uncle or doubts of wisdom of a mustache.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

If one by one we counted people out For the least sin, it wouldn’t take us long To get so we had no one left to live with. For to be social is to be forgiving.

When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked.

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

Give thy thoughts no tongue.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

It’s not a slam at you when people are rude, it’s a slam at the people they’ve met before.

I will never be happy without having someone. Going to sleep alone kills me.

I mean, families are weird.

Some people love so hard that they can’t control those emotions when they’re at their deepest point.

There isn’t any formula or method. You learn to love by loving – by paying attention and doing what one thereby discovers has to be done.

What makes us human, I think, is an ability to ask questions, a consequence of our sophisticated spoken language.

The strong man is the one who is able to intercept at will the communication between the senses and the mind.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity.

When you love and accept yourself, when you know who really cares about you, and when you learn from your mistakes, then you stop caring about what people who don’t know you think.

It’s probably the worst feeling in the world, when you’re deeply and madly in love with a woman and you know she’s not feeling you the same way, and you don’t know why.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

More than anything else, I want the folks back at home to think right of me.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

Life began with waking up and loving my mother’s face.

We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other.

If you can’t answer a man’s arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.

On TV the people can see it. On radio you’ve got to create it.

When I am talking to people who I feel don’t like me or are mean, I get really shy, and I kind of curl up personality wise.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

What do I care about the purring of one who cannot love, like the cat?

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

It may happen sometimes that a long debate becomes the cause of a longer friendship. Commonly, those who dispute with one another at last agree.

Everybody will make mistakes, and for some that mistake will rise to the level of being a crime.

It is the most sensual men who need to flee women and torment their bodies.

Those who write clearly have readers, those who write obscurely have commentators.

I write all my sermons.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.