When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

I think I have always had a little humor.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

If you wear clothes that don’t suit you, you’re a fashion victim. You have to wear clothes that make you look better.

The thing is that what you see on Snapchat, that’s DJ Khaled. That’s Khaled for real. That’s Khaled.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Obviously black matches with everything.

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

Fashion is architecture: it is a matter of proportions.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

When I’m surfing, I’m sure not thinking about the paparazzi. I guess if they start getting on floaties and coming out there in the water, then I might be a little upset.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I think style is being so comfortable and confident in what you’re wearing. That’s what style is, ‚cause everybody’s got different style.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

It was a strike against me that I didn’t wear baggy jeans and jerseys and that I never hustled, never sold drugs.

We’re so trendy we can’t even escape ourselves.

Clothing & fashion are kind of my security blanket, almost.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

I started wearing Ugg when I was, like, 13 or 14, in high school, and my mom got me a pair for Christmas one year.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

My style offstage is so different from onstage. I love a pair of sexy heels with jeans, a nice jacket, or a little dress.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

That is what fame is, isn’t it? To get the world to fall in love with you.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

I love a pair of sexy heels with jeans, a nice jacket, or a little dress.

Anybody that doesn’t like Cardi B a hater!

Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he’s well dressed. There ain’t much credit in that.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

If you’re too big to fit into fashion, then you just have to do your own fashion.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

I hate to be smart.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The only difference between Benito and Bad Bunny is 16 million followers on Instagram. And the money that Bad Bunny has in the bank. Benito had, like, $7. The numbers are different, but I’m still the same. Even my insecurities remain the same.

I wear wigs all the time on shows, and every day when I’m in public, at Dollywood. People say, ‚How many wigs do you have?‘ And I say, ‚Well, at least 365 because I wear at least one a day.‘

Fashion is inspired by youth and nostalgia and draws inspiration from the best of the past.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘