When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

My fans kept asking where they could get clothes like Destiny’s Child’s, so it was only natural for us to do a clothing line.

Look for the woman in the dress. If there is no woman, there is no dress.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

Stylistically, I love make-up. I love doing my own make-up and stuff, but clothes-wise, I actually didn’t ever really care. Initially the fashion world was more interested in me than the music world, which was strange when I first started singing.

I don’t notice anybody unless they look great, and every now and again they do, and they are usually 70.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I can’t disguise myself with a wig and dark glasses – the wheelchair gives me away.

Dressing up is a bore. At a certain age, you decorate yourself to attract the opposite sex, and at a certain age, I did that. But I’m past that age.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

My style offstage is so different from onstage. I love a pair of sexy heels with jeans, a nice jacket, or a little dress.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

Fashion is merely an opinion. And I’ve got a lot of opinions.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

When you’re 25 or 30, you know, you can’t wear lime-green eye shadow anymore.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

I think tattoos are horrible. It’s like living in a Pucci dress full-time.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

When I’m surfing, I’m sure not thinking about the paparazzi. I guess if they start getting on floaties and coming out there in the water, then I might be a little upset.

Eat to please thyself, but dress to please others.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Music is part of the life of fashion, too.

Fame itself… doesn’t really afford you anything more than a good seat in a restaurant.

The connection between dress and war is not far to seek; your finest clothes are those you wear as soldiers.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

It is always better to be slightly underdressed.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

If I can get my dress on, my weight is under control.

Honestly, I like everything, boyish girls, girlish boys, the heavy and the skinny.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Well, we’re living in a material world, and I’m a material girl… or boy.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

I just dress like… I’m an old black man. Sorry! Like I’m an old Jewish black man. I just dress like it’s still the ’50s.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I enjoy wearing pins, and nobody tells me to do it.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

I’m a really artistic person, and so, with the live stuff, there’s a lot that I think is really cool. Beyonce and Rihanna have all these dancers. So with the live costumes and video costumes, I’d really like to have my vision. The way that I want people to dress is very specific. I love fashion.