When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

Humor is reason gone mad.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

If you saw Queen Elizabeth it would be amazing, she came from another planet. She was so attractive in what she was wearing.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

Getting recognized is insane. It just blows my mind. Like, someone who you don’t know at all can just be like, ‚Oh my God – are you Billie?‘

My clothes are very popular in Japan.

There was a moment when designers draped in ermine would be reading Proust, or pretending to.

I can’t disguise myself with a wig and dark glasses – the wheelchair gives me away.

Music is part of the life of fashion, too.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Fashion breaks my heart.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

The difference between humans and other mammals is that we know how to accessorize.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

Barack Obama did tell me that I was one of Michelle Obama’s favorite actors.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

I always wear the kind of stuff that makes you overheat and die.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

I like to look good, my friend.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

What I’ve learned is that you really don’t need to be a celebrity or have money or have the paparazzi following you around to be famous.

I think any man who lets a woman pick what he should wear… I mean, you gotta draw the line somewhere as a man. I see these guys, ‚My wife told me to wear this!‘ And I just shake my head.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

A women who doesn’t wear perfume has no future.

I really focus on my jeans and sweaters for them to fit really well. There was a time that wasn’t the case.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

I am, and ever will be, a white socks, pocket protector, nerdy engineer.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

I just hope people don’t get sick of us. I’m sick of us and I’m in Destiny’s Child.

Fashion is made to become unfashionable.

In words, as fashions, the same rule will hold; Alike fantastic, if too new, or old: Be not the first by whom the new are tried, Nor yet the last to lay the old aside.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

If I decide to make a coat red in the show, it’s not just red, I think: is it communist red? Is it cherry cordial? Is it ruby red? Or is it apple red? Or the big red balloon red?

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

The fashion I’ve acquired over the years is so sacred to me – from costumes to couture, high fashion to punk wear I’ve collected from my secret international hot spots. I keep everything in an enormous archive in Hollywood.

I do not see myself as a celebrity or an icon or things like that… I have not really done anything.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

A lot of people have said I’d have probably done better in my career if I hadn’t looked so cheap and gaudy. But I dress to be comfortable for me, and you shouldn’t be blamed because you want to look pretty.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.