When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

When I was a kid, I never thought much about football. I thought about following in my family’s footsteps and going into professional wrestling.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I learned to walk as a baby, and I haven’t had a lesson since.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

My parents weren’t actors or studio executives.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I was so rude when I was a little girl.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being a star. I didn’t really know what all that meant. I didn’t know.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.

Tell me what you like and I’ll tell you what you are.

I’ve dreamed about doing music since I was three or four years old.

From the time I was a kid, I always knew something was going to happen to me. Didn’t know exactly what.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

When new turns of behavior cease to appear in the life of the individual, its behavior ceases to be intelligent.

There is a courtesy of the heart; it is allied to love. From its springs the purest courtesy in the outward behavior.

Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image.

Some of my foster families used to send me to the movies to get me out of the house and there I’d sit all day and way into the night. Up in front, there with the screen so big, a little kid all alone, and I loved it. I loved anything that moved up there and I didn’t miss anything that happened and there was no popcorn either.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

I’m an emotional person.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Show me the man you honor, and I will know what kind of man you are.

When I was a boy we didn’t wake up with Vietnam and have Cyprus for lunch and the Congo for dinner.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

My mother was determined to make us independent. When I was four years old, she stopped the car a few miles from our house and made me find my own way home across the fields. I got hopelessly lost.

Those who have virtue always in their mouths, and neglect it in practice, are like a harp, which emits a sound pleasing to others, while itself is insensible of the music.

From childhood on, I did sit in the courtroom watching my father argue cases and talk to juries.

An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable.

When I was five, I think, that’s when I started wanting to be an actress. I loved to play. I didn’t like the world around me because it was kind of grim, but I loved to play house. It was like you could make your own boundaries.

My friends tease me about the fact that if someone seems bad or shady or like they have a secret, I find them incredibly interesting.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

I wasn’t a kid growing up thinking, ‚One day I’ll get an Oscar and make a speech.‘ That wasn’t on my mind.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

I began writing at the age of 5, but there was a dark period between the ages of 8 and 16 when I didn’t write. I started again at 16 and have no idea why, but it was suddenly the only thing I wanted to do.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

I was bullied as a boy – lots of kids are, but hopefully most of us get on with our lives and grow up.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Some people are jerks, and some people aren’t.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

See, people are watching you. Especially your children. They’re taking in every single thing you do. They are like video cameras with legs. And they are always in the record mode. They learn more from what you do than from what you say.

It’s not about charisma and personality, it’s about results and products and those very bedrock things that are why people at Apple and outside of Apple are getting more excited about the company and what Apple stands for and what its potential is to contribute to the industry.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.