When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.

You’ve got to invest in the world, you’ve got to read, you’ve got to go to art galleries, you’ve got to find out the names of plants. You’ve got to start to love the world and know about the whole genius of the human race. We’re amazing people.

‚Classic.‘ A book which people praise and don’t read.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

I’m not a very creative person, you know? I’m not really an art person. I’m not a great reader or writer or artist or musician.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

Though she be but little, she is fierce.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don’t need an enemy.

In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can’t read. If they could read their stuff, they’d stop writing.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Stand-up is my baby.

There is no author whose books I look forward to more than Vaclav Smil.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

I spend a lot of time reading.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

If I read a book and it makes my whole body so cold no fire can ever warm me, I know that is poetry.

A book should serve as the ax for the frozen sea within us.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

A house divided against itself cannot stand.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

Remember, man does not live on bread alone: sometimes he needs a little buttering up.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I’ve stopped drinking, but only while I’m asleep.

I grew up reading science fiction.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I was a very keen reader of science fiction.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

To buy books would be a good thing if we also could buy the time to read them.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Perhaps if you are in support functions waiting on the warfighters to spell out the specifics of what you are to do, you can avoid the consequences of not reading. Those who must adapt to overcoming an independent enemy’s will are not allowed that luxury.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

A man ought to read just as inclination leads him, for what he reads as a task will do him little good.

The earth laughs in flowers.

I can’t tell you the number of times I looked down at what was going on on the ground, or I was engaged in a fight somewhere, and I knew within a couple of minutes how I was going to screw up the enemy. And I knew it because I’d done so much reading.

The cool thing about reading is that when you read a short story or you read something that takes your mind and expands where your thoughts can go, that’s powerful.

I spent three days a week for 10 years educating myself in the public library, and it’s better than college. People should educate themselves – you can get a complete education for no money. At the end of 10 years, I had read every book in the library and I’d written a thousand stories.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.