When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

If you’re in this business and you are scared, then you better do something else.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Business is never so healthy as when, like a chicken, it must do a certain amount of scratching around for what it gets.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Well, I think that there’s a very thin dividing line between success and failure. And I think if you start a business without financial backing, you’re likely to go the wrong side of that dividing line.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

I’ve got incredible support from my wife and family and people around me. I’ve got great people around me who handle anything on the outside, business-wise, who help free me up to create in my job.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Disneyland is a work of love. We didn’t go into Disneyland just with the idea of making money.

If I have cash and I can’t figure a way to put it into real estate or my business, I hold it in gold and silver.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

Nothing is more expensive than a missed opportunity.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

If you or I fail at business, we fail. If we cheat and fail, we go to jail. But if you’re rich and politically connected, your incompetence may be protected by a government bailout.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I’ve found that men I’ve dated who are in the same business can be really competitive. I’ve found a great group of girlfriends in the same business who aren’t competitive, but a few times guys have started comparing careers and it has been… challenging.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I mean, families are weird.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

My business is to prevent the future.