When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

It’s a funny old world.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

No person will make a great business who wants to do it all himself or get all the credit.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

A business like an automobile, has to be driven, in order to get results.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

I’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

A man should never neglect his family for business.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

I’m no genius.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Stand-up is hard.

Stand-up is my baby.

It’s safe to say headphones is a good business.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

No one has a greater asset for his business than a man’s pride in his work.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

Only he is successful in his business who makes that pursuit which affords him the highest pleasure sustain him.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

What prudent merchant will hazard his fortunes in any new branch of commerce when he knows not that his plans may be rendered unlawful before they can be executed?

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

I was one of the wildest Santa Clauses they ever had.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.