When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

It cannot be said often enough that science fiction as a genre is incredibly educational – and I’m speaking the written science fiction, not ‚Star Trek.‘ Science fiction writers tend to fill their books if they’re clever with little bits of interesting stuff and real stuff.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

The next time someone tells you we can trim the budget by cutting aid, I hope you will ask whether it will come at the cost of more people dying.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Death to me means nothing as long as I can die fast.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

To abandon oneself to principles is really to die – and to die for an impossible love which is the contrary of love.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Biography lends to death a new terror.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

It is not death or pain that is to be dreaded, but the fear of pain or death.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

In war, you can only be killed once, but in politics, many times.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

Life levels all men. Death reveals the eminent.

Death is not the worst that can happen to men.

It requires more courage to suffer than to die.

Science fiction, to me, has not only things that wouldn’t happen, but other planets.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If my survival caused another to perish, then death would be sweeter and more beloved.

I hate to tell you this, but you will never actually go to a galaxy far, far away and encounter Darth Vader. That’s science fiction; it isn’t going to happen.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

From an eternal perspective, the only death that is truly premature is the death of one who is not prepared to meet God.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

You must not fear death, my lads; defy him, and you drive him into the enemy’s ranks.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.

When I was making ‚Star Wars,‘ I wasn’t restrained by any kind of science. I simply said, ‚I’m going to create a world that’s fun and interesting, makes sense, and seems to have a reality to it.‘

Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.