When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

From such crooked wood as that which man is made of, nothing straight can be fashioned.

If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real security that a man will have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability.

When one has a great deal to put into it a day has a hundred pockets.

Everybody could be an entrepreneur, but very few will become very rich entrepreneurs.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

It’s honestly true that money means nothing to me.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

I said I was ‚The Greatest,‘ I never said I was the smartest!

Money often costs too much.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I’m filthy rich!

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Most people would assume my business success, and the wealth that comes with it, have brought me happiness. But I know I am successful, wealthy, and connected because I am happy.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

Words without thoughts never to heaven go.

If a man could have half of his wishes, he would double his troubles.

I only wish that ordinary people had an unlimited capacity for doing harm; then they might have an unlimited power for doing good.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

The use of money is all the advantage there is in having it.

A great fortune is a great slavery.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

Politics is almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times.

Sir, my concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side, for God is always right.

Money is a strange business. People who haven’t got it aim it strongly. People who have are full of troubles.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

Fools admire, but men of sense approve.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

I’d rather learn from one bird how to sing than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance.

Whatever is well said by another, is mine.

I’m always amazed at how many people assume a business has to lose money before it makes money.

Content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

If time be of all things the most precious, wasting time must be the greatest prodigality.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

America… just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

Truth is the daughter of time, not of authority.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

Words are loaded pistols.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

The money in politics is a cash cow for the media.

You can’t reverse fame. You can lose all the money, but you’ll never lose people knowing you.

Fear of death increases in exact proportion to increase in wealth.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.