What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Natural abilities are like natural plants, that need pruning by study; and studies themselves do give forth directions too much at large, except they be bounded in by experience.

Men who wish to know about the world must learn about it in its particular details.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Part of what confuses people in times of upheaval is that you’re getting so many different points of view and directions and so and so, how to do this and do that. And a lot of it is written in a language that honestly most people cannot understand.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

‚I’ll be back‘ always sounded a little girly to me.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

All men having power ought to be distrusted to a certain degree.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

No man has any natural authority over his fellow men.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Certainly the best works, and of greatest merit for the public, have proceeded from the unmarried, or childless men.

I truly believe that women should be financially independent from their men. And let’s face it, money gives men the power to run the show. It gives men the power to define value. They define what’s sexy. And men define what’s feminine. It’s ridiculous.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

Men are convinced of your arguments, your sincerity, and the seriousness of your efforts only by your death.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong only because he has remained silent.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but content themselves with a mediocrity of success.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

I have no ambition to govern men; it is a painful and thankless office.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

We must conceive of this whole universe as one commonwealth of which both gods and men are members.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

Men are only as good as their technical development allows them to be.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.