Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Say there’s a white kid who lives in a nice home, goes to an all-white school, and is pretty much having everything handed to him on a platter – for him to pick up a rap tape is incredible to me, because what that’s saying is that he’s living a fantasy life of rebellion.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

The French complain of everything, and always.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Take my wife… Please!

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

Yes, I’m still going to misbehave!

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

The hippie movement politicized my generation. When it ended, we all started looking back at our own history, looking, in my case, for motives of rebellion.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘