What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Hence poetry is something more philosophic and of graver import than history, since its statements are rather of the nature of universals, whereas those of history are singulars.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

O‘ What may man within him hide, though angel on the outward side!

It is written on the arched sky; it looks out from every star. It is the poetry of Nature; it is that which uplifts the spirit within us.

Like many modern poets, I tend to conceal rhymes by placing them in the middle of lines, and to avoid immediate alliteration and assonance in favor of echoes placed later in the poems.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost.

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

In constructing the plot and working it out with the proper diction, the poet should place the scene, as far as possible, before his eyes. In this way, seeing everything with the utmost vividness, as if he were a spectator of the action, he will discover what is in keeping with it, and be most unlikely to overlook inconsistencies.

Poetry is the key to the hieroglyphics of nature.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I don’t think I’ve ever read poetry, ever.

I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

To be a poet is a condition, not a profession.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Poetry is the art of substantiating shadows, and of lending existence to nothing.

You don’t have to be a renowned artist like Q-Tip to try your hand at poetry. You don’t need any special equipment – that’s the beauty of it.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Human beings love poetry. They don’t even know it sometimes… whether they’re the songs of Bono, or the songs of Justin Bieber… they’re listening to poetry.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Indeed, I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman.

The learned is happy, nature to explore; The fool is happy, that he knows no more.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

The poet, being an imitator like a painter or any other artist, must of necessity imitate one of three objects – things as they were or are, things as they are said or thought to be, or things as they ought to be. The vehicle of expression is language – either current terms or, it may be, rare words or metaphors.