What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘