What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

Any man who has had the job I’ve had and didn’t have a sense of humor wouldn’t still be here.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

I get that racism exists, but it’s not a catalyst for my content. I don’t need to talk about race to have material. My style of comedy is more self-deprecating. I think that makes me more relatable. When you deal with ‚topics‘ – race, white versus black – you’re not separating from the pack. You’re doing what everybody else is doing.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

Friends applaud, the comedy is over.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I love Steve Carell.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‚The Tonight Show.‘ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

I hate to be smart.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

What convinces is conviction. Believe in the argument you’re advancing. If you don’t you’re as good as dead. The other person will sense that something isn’t there, and no chain of reasoning, no matter how logical or elegant or brilliant, will win your case for you.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

Brad will tell you. He puts a movie on, I’m asleep in 10 minutes. I have no patience. But the kids love action movies with comedy, Jackie Chan and all that.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

I now have two different audiences. There’s the one that has been watching my action films for 20 years, and the American family audience. American jokes, less fighting.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.