What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

It’s a funny old world.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

At the end of the day, I want to be part of the same conversation as Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle, Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‚The Tonight Show.‘ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

I absolutely want to have a career where you make’em laugh and make’em cry. It’s all theater.

I call him free who is led solely by reason.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

I can get where some scientists would say comedians are crazy. What you have to understand: A lot of comedians are dealing with a dark passion. A lot of these are guys coming from a tumultuous life, including myself. Some people need outlets, a way to express yourself.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.