What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

Just talk to me as a father – not what the Constitution says. What do you feel?

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

I’m terrified of losing my voice.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

Be not a slave of words.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Put it this way: If I asked, ‚How’s business?‘ and you say, ‚Boomin‘ or ‚Amazing,‘ I already know the answer.

It is in this power of saying everything, and yet saying nothing too plainly, that the perfection of art consists.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

Sometimes it’s a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I guess every single word I’ve ever said is going to be dissected now.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

I’m a people pleaser. I hold a lot of things in. I’m always making sure everybody is okay. I usually don’t rage; I usually don’t curse.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

Sometimes cameras and television are good to people and sometimes they aren’t. I don’t know if its the way you say it, or how you look.

To be sure I must; and therefore I may assume that your silence gives consent.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

What makes you a SEAL, what makes you a SEAL is being a good tactician on the battle field, understanding how to shoot, move, and communicate, knowing small unit maneuver warfare. That’s what makes a good SEAL, and so that is the course of instruction that I taught, was getting SEAL platoons ready for deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.

Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I don’t like typing messages on my phone. Some people get used to it.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

Every day I try to be in communication with the universe in an unconscious way.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

It’s human nature to not say everything that’s on your mind at the time you think it. Because we fear saying something that people will laugh at, people will think is dumb. We’re afraid of being embarrassed.

The beauty of the world, which is so soon to perish, has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

A business has to be involving, it has to be fun, and it has to exercise your creative instincts.

Almost everybody will listen to you when you tell your own story.

I could fall in love with a sumo wrestler if he told stories and made me laugh. Obviously, it would be easier if someone was African-American and lived next door and went to the same church. Because then I wouldn’t have to translate.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Facebook is really about communicating and telling stories… We think that people can really help spread awareness of organ donation and that they want to participate in this to their friends. And that can be a big part of helping solve the crisis that’s out there.

Tell the truth, but tell it slant.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

When I got somethin‘ to say, I’ll say it.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

I don’t like people going behind my back.

Is it not important to find out how to listen not only to what is being said but to everything – to the noise in the streets, to the chatter of birds, to the noise of the tramcar, to the restless sea, to the voice of your husband, to your wife, to your friends, to the cry of a baby?

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

To me, constructive criticism is when people take ownership of their ideas. That’s why I don’t listen to anything that’s anonymous. But it’s hard; when there’s something hurtful out there, I still want to read it over and over and memorize it and explain my point of view to the person.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

We must distinguish between speaking to deceive and being silent to be reserved.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.