We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

My wife thinks she’s better than me at puzzles. I haven’t given in on that one yet.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

There is, hidden or flaunted, a sword between the sexes till an entire marriage reconciles them.

You would think that a rock star being married to a supermodel would be one of the greatest things in the world. It is.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

I used to live with my grandmother. I used to wonder why the other kids in school went home with their mothers and fathers. I wanted to be the guy that got married. I wanted to be the guy with the children and the white picket fence. I never had that.

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

I really thought I was on the way out. My husband Blake saved my life. Often I don’t know what I do, then the next day the memory returns. And then I am engulfed in shame.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I think I have always had a little humor.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

You are Mrs. Reagan because Mr. Reagan loves you with all his heart.

My mother and my father have been married 50 years, and he’s just started to understand that something’s wrong with the system. He accepted the whole thing, you see. Yet this industrious kind of engagement didn’t bring him the success, according to American terms, that he wanted. I was probably affected by this very much. In fact, I know I was.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I met my husband before I became a star, and he doesn’t care about any of it.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

I want kids. I want a soccer team, and I want a husband.

There is no subject on which more dangerous nonsense is talked and thought than marriage.

My family didn’t have a lot of money, so I worked my heart out to get my degrees. But the minute I graduated, suddenly everyone was asking me, ‚Well, when are you going to get married and start having kids?‘ And the truth is I had no idea how I would balance the expected role of wife and mother with a challenging career.

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.