We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I work hard for the audience. It’s entertainment. I don’t need validation.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

I would rather entertain and hope that people learned something than educate people and hope they were entertained.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

Stand-up comedy is mine: it’s my entity; it’s my brand; I own it. I do it when I want to do it.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

‚Best Man Holiday‘ was a very successful film.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I like the good life too much, I’m not good at going on stage night after night and on wet Wednesday afternoons.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Politics is applesauce.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

My music is a luxury.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.

I don’t like to be bored.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I’ve always worked hard.

I don’t spend too much time on my phone, laptop or television. However, I do occasionally watch documentaries and shows on streaming platforms.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I love to go to the zoo. But not on Sunday. I don’t like to see the people making fun of the animals, when it should be the other way around.

My goal is to entertain myself and others.

Basically, I live to do gigs.