We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I like my fair share of board games.

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

The child in you, like all children, loves to laugh, to be around people who can laugh at themselves and life. Children instinctively know that the more laughter we have in our lives, the better.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

Human beings need stories, and we’re looking for them in all kinds of places; whether it’s television, whether it’s comic books or movies, radio plays, whatever form, people are hungry for stories.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Nothing is so intolerable to man as being fully at rest, without a passion, without business, without entertainment, without care.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart, don’t know how to laugh either.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

I learned how important it is to entertain people and give them a reason to come and watch you play.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

The sound and music are 50% of the entertainment in a movie.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

My goal is to entertain myself and others.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

My music is a luxury.

You can’t deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.

There’s only one thing that can kill the movies, and that’s education.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

Dude, maybe not everyone loves ‚Glee.‘ Me included. I watched 10 minutes and it wasn’t my thing.

One should take good care not to grow too wise for so great a pleasure of life as laughter.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

You see the film, you might be entertained, and if it’s not a great film, it loses its power very quickly. I think even simply acceptable books stay with us a lot longer.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

I would rather entertain and hope that people learned something than educate people and hope they were entertained.

When a man laughs at his troubles he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogative.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

It is more fitting for a man to laugh at life than to lament over it.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

Music was an experience, intimately married to your life. You could pay to hear music, but after you did, it was over, gone – a memory.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

I love Chris Brown. He’s a superstar. He’s one of the best singers out there.

I guess any movie actor can become a role model for audiences out there who enjoy him.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.