True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

Our love, our gratitude, our admiration for our men and women in uniform, our veterans and their families – all of that is bigger than any one party or any one election.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

The royal road to a man’s heart is to talk to him about the things he treasures most.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.

A man’s work is nothing but this slow trek to rediscover, through the detours of art, those two or three great and simple images in whose presence his heart first opened.

I searched for years I found no love. I’m sure that love will never be a product of plasticity.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

You can be rich in spirit, kindness, love and all those things that you can’t put a dollar sign on.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

Fame may go by and – so long, I’ve had you.

The real power of the Buddha was that he had so much love. He saw people trapped in their notions of small separate self, feeling guilty or proud of that self, and he offered revolutionary teachings that resounded like a lion’s roar, like a great rising tide, helping people to wake up and break free from the prison of ignorance.

Love and doubt have never been on speaking terms.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.

No one is a friend to his friend who does not love in return.

In the book of Gaga, fame is in your heart, fame is there to comfort you, to bring you self-confidence and worth whenever you need it.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

Who shall measure the hat and violence of the poet’s heart when caught and tangled in a woman’s body?

‚Harry Potter‘ gave me back self respect. Harry gave me a job to do that I loved more than anything else.

I was fortunate and I was lucky that I had a couple of people in my life who cared about me. I had good, loving parents.

Consider the fellow. He never spends his time telling you about his previous night’s date. You get the idea he has eyes only for you and wouldn’t think of looking at another woman.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love – first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Give a little love to a child, and you get a great deal back.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

You see, at the end of the day, my most important title is still ‚mom-in-chief.‘ My daughters are still the heart of my heart and the center of my world.

I like to write about love and love lost because I feel like there are so many different subcategories of emotions that you can possibly delve into.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

We can’t form our children on our own concepts; we must take them and love them as God gives them to us.

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Jesus never mistreated anyone just because they mistreated Him. He confronted them in a spirit of gentleness and then continued to love them.

How can one preach goodness and love to men without at the same time offering them an interpretation of the World that justifies this goodness and this love?

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

Love is too young to know what conscience is.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another.

In the real world, children love me.

Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Love has features which pierce all hearts, he wears a bandage which conceals the faults of those beloved. He has wings, he comes quickly and flies away the same.

My mother fought cancer for almost a decade and died at 56. She held out long enough to meet the first of her grandchildren and to hold them in her arms. But my other children will never have the chance to know her and experience how loving and gracious she was.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

These poems, with all their crudities, doubts, and confusions, are written for the love of Man and in praise of God, and I’d be a damn‘ fool if they weren’t.

Love is the attempt to form a friendship inspired by beauty.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Words, words, mere words, no matter from the heart.

It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to choose either.

Love is the most powerful thing in the world, and you know, what love brings is joy.