True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

I’m happiest with my family around me.

Give a child love, laughter and peace, not AIDS.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

We can continue to learn generation after generation and now is time to begin to learn how to love in a non-discriminatory way because we are intelligent enough, but we are not loving enough as a species.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love.

If we may believe our logicians, man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter. He has a heart capable of mirth, and naturally disposed to it.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

Love other human beings as you would love yourself.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

The best book, like the best speech, will do it all – make us laugh, think, cry and cheer – preferably in that order.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

I love those who yearn for the impossible.

Men shrink less from offending one who inspires love than one who inspires fear.

Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.

If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom?

Love in its essence is spiritual fire.

Oh, you weak, beautiful people who give up with such grace. What you need is someone to take hold of you – gently, with love, and hand your life back to you.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

I had a lovers quarrel with the world.

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

I was adored once too.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I had a soft-spot in my heart for Ronald Reagan, if only because he was a sportswriter in his youth.

Heavenly Father loves every one of His children. After all, He is their Father.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

In God’s family, there are no outsiders, no enemies.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

When people get married young, you don’t really understand the true definition of marriage.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

Marriage is this grand madness, and I think if people knew that, they would perhaps take it more seriously.

Love is a state of being.

I knew through the surgeries that he was on my side and that this wasn’t something where I was gonna feel less of a woman, because my husband wasn’t gonna let that happen.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

Love always brings difficulties, that is true, but the good side of it is that it gives energy.

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

My husband has quite simply been my strength and stay all these years, and I owe him a debt greater than he would ever claim.

My favorite thing in life is writing about life, specifically the parts of life concerning love. Because, as far as I’m concerned, love is absolutely everything.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life’s pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.

After all, life hasn’t much to offer except youth, and I suppose for older people, the love of youth in others.

Smiles are the language of love.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

Amour is the one human activity of any importance in which laughter and pleasure preponderate, if ever so slightly, over misery and pain.

Not necessity, not desire – no, the love of power is the demon of men. Let them have everything – health, food, a place to live, entertainment – they are and remain unhappy and low-spirited: for the demon waits and waits and will be satisfied.

Truth is handsomer than the affectation of love. Your goodness must have some edge to it, else it is none.

It is necessary to fall in love… if only to provide an alibi for all the random despair you are going to feel anyway.