Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

Stand-up is my baby.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Unlike Europe, China can’t be intimidated. Europe backs down if the United States looks at it the wrong way. But China, they’ve been there for 3,000 years and are paying no attention to the barbarians and don’t see any need to.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Y’all are so cute and y’all talk so proper over here. I love England.

The reason why I wear gold – I wear gold for three reasons. One, when Jesus was born, three wise men came from the east: one brought frankincense, one brought myrrh, the other one brought gold. The second reason I wear gold is I can afford it. The third reason I wear it, it’s symbolic of my African heritage.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Humor is reason gone mad.

No culture can live if it attempts to be exclusive.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I’d always somehow felt slightly as if I’d been born in the wrong country.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

In South Korea, they believe that when you turn 60, you’ve become a baby again and the rest of your life should be totally about joy and happiness, and people should leave you alone, and I just think that that’s the height of intelligence.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

I speak to you only as an American who happens to be an American Negro and one who is proud of that heritage. We ask for nothing special. We ask only that we be permitted to compete on an even basis, and if we are not worthy, then the competition shall, per se, eliminate us.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

There can never be any stop to learn about different cultures by travelling to different places. And whatever comes your way, continue the healthy eating habits.

If I had remained in Lhasa, even without the Chinese occupation, I would probably have carried the ceremonial role in some orthodox way.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

When even one American – who has done nothing wrong – is forced by fear to shut his mind and close his mouth – then all Americans are in peril.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

It’s amazing, the culture Coach Belichick has been able to create in our system.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Look, freedom is an overwhelming American notion. The idea that we want to see the world, the peoples of the world free is something that all of us subscribe to.

I really love the culture of hip-hop.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

Culture: the cry of men in face of their destiny.

The people of Egypt are an intelligent people with a glorious history who left their mark on civilization.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Maybe every city has a unique sensibility, but we don’t have names for what they are or haven’t identified them all. We can’t pinpoint exactly what makes each city’s people unique yet.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘