Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

The United States is definitely ahead in culture of innovation. If someone wants to accomplish great things, there is no better place than the U.S.

I hate to be smart.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Hip-hop is ever changing but you’ll always have the pack. And you’ll always have those people who are separated from the pack.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

In the West, we have been withdrawing from our tradition-, religion-, and even nation-centred cultures.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Honolulu is a melting pot.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

The right of every American to first-class citizenship is the most important issue of our time.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

The American claim that the bombing of North Vietnam was directed against military targets does not withstand direct investigation.

The people of Egypt are an intelligent people with a glorious history who left their mark on civilization.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

No people come into possession of a culture without having paid a heavy price for it.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

The objective I propose is quite simple to state: to foster the infrastructure of democracy – the system of a free press, unions, political parties, universities – which allows a people to choose their own way to develop their own culture, to reconcile their own differences through peaceful means.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Everybody is entertained to death.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

I’m not a reality-TV kind of guy. But it’s almost like we’re living in a reality show. Every day in this country, everybody keeps worrying about the deterioration of America, and it’s like a big reality show.

Many Tibetans sacrifice their lives.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I feel Anglo-American.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

Quacks are a part of our culture, and we all fall prey to them. Who among us can say, for sure, that even our own personal physicians are honest and competent?

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

Stand-up is my baby.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Politics is applesauce.