Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

No greater nor more affectionate honor can be conferred on an American than to have a public school named after him.

It’s important to love in hip hop.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

I don’t think even ungodly people realize what a society would be like that had no godly influence at all.

India has 2,000,000 gods and worships them all. In religion, all other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

When good Americans die they go to Paris.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

We are eager to tunnel under the Atlantic and bring the Old World some weeks nearer to the New, but perchance the first news that will leak through into the broad, flapping American ear will be that the Princess Adelaide has the whooping cough.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Culture: the cry of men in face of their destiny.

But more than anything else, for the British folks Irish people were all terrorists. So when we went to Britain, it was always a lot of resistance to U2. And that’s why we came to America.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Puerto Rico’s relationship with music is everything. It’s an island full of talent and if you grow up there, you grow up living and breathing music.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

It is the duty of every thoughtful Indian not to marry. In case he is helpless in regard to marriage, he should abstain from sexual intercourse with his wife.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Culture is the process by which a person becomes all that they were created capable of being.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.