funny quotes

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

It’s a funny old world.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.