dark humor quotes

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

I have never believed much in luck, and my sense of humor has tended to walk on the dark side.

If I’d found out that Norman Mailer liked me. I’d have killed myself.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

Thank God, I never was cheerful. I come from the happy stock of the Mathers, who, as you remember, passed sweet mornings reflecting on the goodness of God and the damnation of infants.

Cruelty would be delicious if one could only find some sort of cruelty that didn’t really hurt.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

It is always consoling to think of suicide: in that way one gets through many a bad night.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

To be famous, in fact, one has only to kill one’s landlady.

He would make a lovely corpse.

I have no need for good souls: an accomplice is what I wanted.