To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

One of the first signs of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die.

I mean, families are weird.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

It was really hard for them to intimidate me. They felt I was intimidating. One of the growers had a name for me: I think it was ‚dragon lady‘ or something like it.

Meditation demands an astonishingly alert mind; it is the understanding of the totality of life in which every form of fragmentation has ceased.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

To use the same words is not a sufficient guarantee of understanding; one must use the same words for the same genus of inward experience; ultimately one must have one’s experiences in common.

Mystery creates wonder and wonder is the basis of man’s desire to understand.

Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

You can see neurosis from below – as a sickness – as most psychiatrists see it. Or you can understand it as a compassionate man might: respecting the neurosis as a fumbling and inefficient effort toward good ends.

I have made a ceaseless effort not to ridicule, not to bewail, not to scorn human actions, but to understand them.

You will never understand bureaucracies until you understand that for bureaucrats procedure is everything and outcomes are nothing.

Women are made to be loved, not understood.

I’m a bookworm. I know with my physical appearance that I don’t look like the typical reader. I’m in Barnes & Noble all the time, and you can look at people that look like they are supposed to be in there. I am in there, pants sagging, hat backwards.

If you don’t get out of the box you’ve been raised in, you won’t understand how much bigger the world is.

The fact is that I find more most men are more open, more generous, and much more stimulating than the majority of females I know.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

The artist forges himself to the others, midway between the beauty he cannot do without and the community he cannot tear himself away from. That is why true artists scorn nothing: they are obliged to understand rather than to judge.

Stop this attitude that older people ain’t any good anymore! We’re as good as we ever were – if we ever were any good.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

We shall see but a little way if we require to understand what we see.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

To understand the true quality of people, you must look into their minds, and examine their pursuits and aversions.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly.

Here’s the thing. We do a movie with a predominantly black cast, and it’s put in a category of being a black film. When other movies are done with a predominantly white cast, we don’t call them a white film. I’m trying to remove the stigma off things they call black films.

What you guys want, I’m for.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

For a tear is quickly dried, especially when shed for the misfortunes of others.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

Meditation is to get insight, to get understanding and compassion, and when you have them, you are compelled to act.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries.

The answer I found is you stay away from the people who make fun of you, and you join these ad hoc groups who understand your craziness.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

Instead of judging people, we need to pray.