To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Since I was 16, I’ve felt a black cloud hangs over me.

‚Fame‘ exhausts me.

All the songs I write are about human dynamics, whether it’s with girlfriends, boyfriends, or family.

A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

I am alone; I am always alone no matter what.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

When you get into your car, shut the door and be there for just half a minute. Breathe, feel the energy inside your body, look around at the sky, the trees. The mind might tell you, ‚I don’t have time.‘ But that’s the mind talking to you. Even the busiest person has time for 30 seconds of space.

A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me.

My son has died of AIDS.

Give a child love, laughter and peace, not AIDS.

Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy.

Poetry comes from the highest happiness or the deepest sorrow.

Physical comforts cannot subdue mental suffering, and if we look closely, we can see that those who have many possessions are not necessarily happy. In fact, being wealthy often brings even more anxiety.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

I have lost my mental faculties but am perfectly well.

He who laughs best today, will also laughs last.

You should not have taken advantage of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I put out one album one week, and I’m already worried about the next one. I feel a lot of emotion throughout the course of a day. But not to the point where you need to be worried about me.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

My peers, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication – it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness – it is all that I have – and when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, will be all that my peers have as well.

There is no such thing as a pure introvert or extrovert. Such a person would be in the lunatic asylum.

All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.

When you think about it, three of our biggest financial decisions in life are made at times of peak emotional excitement: deciding to get married, buying a home, and having kids.

Fear is real, but so is love.

With my childhood, it’s a wonder I’m not psychotic. I was the little Jewish boy in the non-Jewish neighborhood. It was a little like being the first Negro enrolled in the all-white school. I grew up in libraries and among books, without friends.

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

Whenever the speech is corrupted so is the mind.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

I can be jubilant one moment and pensive the next, and a cloud could go by and make that happen.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.

What air is to the body, to feel understood is to the heart.

There’s a part of you – the born-again part, your spirit – that’s dead to sin. That’s why it bothers you now when you sin. The ‚wilderness‘ part of you – your soul – is your unrenewed mind, out-of-control emotions, and stubborn will.

Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.

Silence speaks so much louder than screaming tantrums. Never give anyone an excuse to say that you’re crazy.

It’s okay to eat fish because they don’t have any feelings.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Give yourself a gift of five minutes of contemplation in awe of everything you see around you. Go outside and turn your attention to the many miracles around you. This five-minute-a-day regimen of appreciation and gratitude will help you to focus your life in awe.

I have never smuggled anything in my life. Why, then, do I feel an uneasy sense of guilt on approaching a customs barrier?

There are going to be good days and bad days. Bottom line.

The word ‚happy‘ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.

Science never makes things that do not have to do with what we feel, by which I mean what we want and what we fear.

I don’t have much positive to say about motor neuron disease, but it taught me not to pity myself because others were worse off, and to get on with what I still could do. I’m happier now than before I developed the condition.

Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

For me, often, there’s such a cloud of melancholia about knowing I’m going to have to leave my daughter on her own. I don’t know what age that is going to be, thank God. It just doubles me up in grief.