To teach how to live without certainty and yet without being paralysed by hesitation is perhaps the chief thing that philosophy, in our age, can do for those who study it.

I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.

The same thing I did in 2013 is what I’m trying to do in 2014, which is continue to improve, continue to shock people. You know, I have several projects coming up between 2014 and 2015, and hopefully by 2015, I’ll have another hour of stand-up material where I’ll be able to go on the road and tour again.

What is truth? said jesting Pilate; and would not stay for an answer.

Anyone who has declared someone else to be an idiot, a bad apple, is annoyed when it turns out in the end that he isn’t.

I am who I am and I say what I think. I’m not putting a face on for the record.

If one has a good disposition, what other virtue is needed? If a man has fame, what is the value of other ornamentation?

But blind to former as to future fate, what mortal knows his pre-existent state?

Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I think so many people live their whole life in fear and doubt and shame.

Never marry someone in hope that they’ll change later.

I’m a genetic optimist.

If I get stuck, I look at a book that tells me how someone else did it. I turn the pages, and then I say, ‚Oh, I forgot that bit,‘ then close the book and carry on. Finally, after you’ve figured out how to do it, you read how they did it and find out how dumb your solution is and how much more clever and efficient theirs is!

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.

I’ve learned over the years that when I go to that place of passion within me, there’s no force in the universe that can interfere with my completing a project.

When I was young, an eccentric uncle decided to teach me how to lie. Not, he explained, because he wanted me to lie, but because he thought I should know how it’s done so I would recognise when I was being lied to.

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

My theory has always been, that if we are to dream, the flatteries of hope are as cheap, and pleasanter, than the gloom of despair.

Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety.

It is our choices… that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

It’s possible – you can never know – that the universe exists only for me. If so, it’s sure going well for me, I must admit.

Shall I tell you what the real evil is? To cringe to the things that are called evils, to surrender to them our freedom, in defiance of which we ought to face any suffering.

Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.

It has been hard for me to find it, but I have found love.

It’s very unnatural to be someone for so many people. But of course it’s very nice.

I owe my solitude to other people.

If there are people you haven’t forgiven, you’re not going to really awaken. You have to let go.

It is folly for an eminent man to think of escaping censure, and a weakness to be affected with it. All the illustrious persons of antiquity, and indeed of every age in the world, have passed through this fiery persecution.

There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.

Moderation is the center wherein all philosophies, both human and divine, meet.

This is the first age that’s ever paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play.

Metaphysics means nothing but an unusually obstinate effort to think clearly.

I’m intimidated by the fear of being average.

Well, the future for me is already a thing of the past.

Forever is composed of nows.

Loving someone liberates the lover as well as the beloved. And that kind of love comes with age.

To hold a man down, you have to stay down with him.

Those of us who submitted or surrendered our ideas and dreams and identities to the ‚leaders‘ must take back our rights, our identities, our responsibilities.

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.

I’m turned on by guys who are cultured. That’ll keep me intrigued. They don’t have to have a single degree, but they should speak other languages or know things about other parts of the world or history or certain artists or musicians. I like to be taught. I like to sit on that side of the table.

Some days I totally appreciate everything that’s happening to me, and some days I feel everyone’s waiting for me to mess up.

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.

Sometimes you need faith and victory spoken over your life. Words have created power. When you receive them into your spirit, they can ignite seeds of increase on the inside.

I set up situations that involve abandoning control and finding out what happens.

I have wondered about time all my life.

The question of whether or not there is a God or truth or reality or whatever you like to call it, can never be answered by books, by priests, philosopher’s or saviours. Nobody and nothing can answer the question but you yourself, and that is why you must know yourself – Immaturity lies only in total ignorance of self.

He that will believe only what he can fully comprehend must have a long head or a very short creed.

I believe that God’s dream is that we be successful in our careers, and that we be able to send our kids to college. I don’t mean that everyone is going to be rich, and I preach a lot on blooming where you’re planted. But I don’t have the mindset that money is a bad thing.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

Wonder is the feeling of the philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder.

We are not without empathetic terror when we open Pascal’s ‚Pensees‘ and read, ‚I am the great silent spaces between worlds.‘

Man is an exception, whatever else he is. If he is not the image of God, then he is a disease of the dust. If it is not true that a divine being fell, then we can only say that one of the animals went entirely off its head.

Honor thy error as a hidden intention.

If you were to ask me what I want to do – I don’t want to be a celebrity, I want to make a difference.

The greatest mistake we make is living in constant fear that we will make one.

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.

I am, as a character, at times, a little overbearing. I recognize that.

Nature has planted in our minds an insatiable longing to see the truth.

I have always been regretting that I was not as wise as the day I was born.

I’m not really book-smart.