To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Our character is not so much the product of race and heredity as of those circumstances by which nature forms our habits, by which we are nurtured and live.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

It is necessary to look at the results of observation objectively, because you, the experimenter, might like one result better than another.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

My work is about my life, and what I want to do with it.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Life affords no higher pleasure than that of surmounting difficulties, passing from one step of success to another, forming new wishes and seeing them gratified.

For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

If I can put one touch of rosy sunset into the life of any man or woman, I shall feel that I have worked with God.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

When it’s your time, it is your time.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

I have always reckoned the dignity of the republic of first importance and preferable to life.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

It is natural to die as to be born.

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Life is better when people are working, happy, and spending money.

A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I’ve always worked hard.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Enlightenment is always there. Small enlightenment will bring great enlightenment. If you breathe in and are aware that you are alive – that you can touch the miracle of being alive – then that is a kind of enlightenment.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

My philosophy in life is, Decide what you want to do. You have to have something to hope for.

I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

I have lived eighty years of life and know nothing for it, but to be resigned and tell myself that flies are born to be eaten by spiders and man to be devoured by sorrow.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

There is no such thing as paranoia. Your worst fears can come true at any moment.

I believe life is an intelligent thing: that things aren’t random.

May you live your life as if the maxim of your actions were to become universal law.

Woman, or more precisely put, perhaps, marriage, is the representative of life with which you are meant to come to terms.

That the divided but contiguous particles of bodies may be separated from one another is a matter of observation; and, in the particles that remain undivided, our minds are able to distinguish yet lesser parts, as is mathematically demonstrated.

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

Golf without bunkers and hazards would be tame and monotonous. So would life.

Assuming if there’s such a thing as reality, if you have a false relationship with it, how can you do anything but fail?

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

You can design and create, and build the most wonderful place in the world. But it takes people to make the dream a reality.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

The great end of life is not knowledge but action.

We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving.

But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.

I have never yet seen any plan which has not been mended by the observations of those who were much inferior in understanding to the person who took the lead in the business.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

It is a no-fail, incontrovertible reality: If you get, give. If you learn, teach. You can’t do anything with that except do it.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

I was out of my bed in one second, trembling with excitement, and I dashed to the door and into the adjoining room, where I could watch the streets below from the windows.

Once you fully apprehend the vacuity of a life without struggle, you are equipped with the basic means of salvation.

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.

Success in life is founded upon attention to the small things rather than to the large things; to the every day things nearest to us rather than to the things that are remote and uncommon.

We were born to die and we die to live. As seedlings of God, we barely blossom on earth; we fully flower in heaven.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Humor is reason gone mad.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.