Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

Dogmas are collective conceptual prisons. And the strange thing is that people love their prison cells because they give them a sense of security and a false sense of ‚I know.‘ Nothing has inflicted more suffering on humanity than its dogmas.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I’ve got two daughters. 9 years old and 6 years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don’t want them punished with a baby.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Stand with anybody that stands right, stand with him while he is right and part with him when he goes wrong.

There is no hierarchy of values any more. Real progress is due mainly to human genius, and that’s rare, and usually stems from a real elite, from a hierarchy.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

You have to protect it too, you can’t let just any stupid person take it and do something demoralizing with it. At the same time, I don’t believe in being so rigid about controlling what happens either.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

This way of life is worth defending.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

The just is close to the people’s heart, but the merciful is close to the heart of God.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

I don’t believe in killing whatever the reason!

For where God built a church, there the Devil would also build a chapel.

Let parents bequeath to their children not riches, but the spirit of reverence.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

Most sets of values would give rise to universes that, although they might be very beautiful, would contain no one able to wonder at that beauty.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

Every people have gods to suit their circumstances.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

All great peoples are conservative.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

If you have enough people sitting around telling you you’re wonderful, then you start believing you’re fabulous, then someone tells you you stink and you believe that too!

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

You start to become successful, and everybody starts to drive your money train to the bank, and they’re not thinking anymore about what you want as an artist or if any of that even matters to you. It genuinely upsets people in my life that I don’t care about money, and that’s not my problem.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I hate to be smart.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

What is permissible is not always honorable.

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

We are never further from what we wish than when we believe that we have what we wished for.

Jesus isn’t lettin‘ you off the hook. The Scriptures don’t let you off the hook so easily… When people say, you know, ‚Good teacher‘, ‚Prophet‘, ‚Really nice guy‘ … this is not how Jesus thought of Himself.

I have only one yardstick by which I test every major problem – and that yardstick is: Is it good for America?

After it is all over, the religion of man is his most important possession.

The philosophy of the school room in one generation will be the philosophy of government in the next.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Nothing is more precious than independence and liberty.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

Wars based on principle are far more destructive… the attacker will not destroy that which he is after.