This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Let us not listen to those who think we ought to be angry with our enemies, and who believe this to be great and manly. Nothing is so praiseworthy, nothing so clearly shows a great and noble soul, as clemency and readiness to forgive.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

A room without books is like a body without a soul.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

All our words are but crumbs that fall down from the feast of the mind.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

I mean, families are weird.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

Just as a candle cannot burn without fire, men cannot live without a spiritual life.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Laughter is America’s most important export.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

Very often, say what you will, a knave is only a fool.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Truth is the daughter of time, not of authority.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

A lie cannot live.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

I hate the giving of the hand unless the whole man accompanies it.

Fools admire, but men of sense approve.

Riches are a good hand maiden, but a poor mistress.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.