There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Marriage must be a relation either of sympathy or of conquest.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise.

Life, an age to the miserable, and a moment to the happy.

My wife told me if there is any rumors about me, it better be about politics and not about my social life.

Family and friendships are two of the greatest facilitators of happiness.

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.

I believe that the greatest gift you can give your family and the world is a healthy you.

I definitely don’t think that money can buy you love. It can buy you affection but certainly not love.

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.

O love, if I regret the age when one savors you, it is not for the hour of pleasure, but for the one that follows it.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work.

I’m pretty sure I don’t have any songs that are about how much I love someone. They’re all either about, like, ‚I hate you,‘ or ‚You make me hate me.‘

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

Stand-up is hard.

Never go on trips with anyone you do not love.

The giving of love is an education in itself.

Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.

A true man hates no one.

I’ve done the bad-boy thing. It was fun for a good three months. But the thing about bad boys is, you have to keep in mind, you’re never gonna marry a bad boy.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

A friend to all is a friend to none.

Marriage is scary to me, man.

I found it hard to be young. When I was married in my twenties, I hated being regarded as ‚the little wife.‘ You don’t know what it was like then! I’d never even written a cheque. I had to ask my husband for money for groceries.

The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life.

Love is like a beautiful flower which I may not touch, but whose fragrance makes the garden a place of delight just the same.

I think there are things that are based in your own dealings with someone that is a personal dealing, not a public dealing. Because you have personal experiences.

I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it.

For most of us, relationship with another is based on dependence, either economic or psychological. This dependence creates fear, breeds in us possessiveness, results in friction, suspicion, frustration.

My partner Donald Trump says that married couples should always have a prenuptial agreement. True, a prenuptial is important if one partner is much richer than the other before marriage, but Kim and I don’t have one.

Nashville is my home, and the reason why I get to do what I love.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

We will always be a family. Always.

They are resilient children, but they are children, and as much as they need help to understand the hard truths in life, they also need what we all need – protection and love.

I am very happy playing and showing off my talent on the cricket field and have no plans to enter Bollywood.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Dividers seek to make themselves look or feel better by making others feel worse. They damage relationships, fracture teams and organizations, and create havoc in people’s lives.

I have no faith in human perfectability. I think that human exertion will have no appreciable effect upon humanity. Man is now only more active – not more happy – nor more wise, than he was 6000 years ago.

All my stepchildren carried the burden of my fame. Sometimes they would read terrible things about me, and I’d worry about whether it would hurt them. I would tell them: ‚Don’t hide these things from me. I’d rather you ask me these things straight out, and I’ll answer all your questions.‘

The way to know life is to love many things.

I love the ending of a movie where two people end up together. Preferably if there’s rain and an airport or running or a confession of love.

The happiest women, like the happiest nations, have no history.

Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

I’ll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours.

One of life’s terrible truths is that women like guys who seem to know what they’re doing.

Happiness depends upon ourselves.

Women. They are a complete mystery.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, sir, should keep his friendship in a constant repair.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

Any of us can be happy and have a good attitude when everything is going our way. But I believe it’s the real test of your character and of your faith to say, ‚Things are not going our way, but I’m still being good to people; I’m still attending church; I still have a good attitude.‘

I’ve made an odd discovery. Every time I talk to a savant I feel quite sure that happiness is no longer a possibility. Yet when I talk with my gardener, I’m convinced of the opposite.

I love making new friends and I respect people for a lot of different reasons.

The highest proof of the spirit is love. Love the eternal thing which can already on earth possess as it really is.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone’s grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.