There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Running for office is similar to being a trial lawyer in a very long trial. It requires adrenaline and stamina; it requires being in shape mentally and emotionally. It’s a marathon.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

Nobody is above the law. Imagine if there allegations against Modi and he is the Prime Minister. Should the case not be pursued just because he has become the PM. It should not be so that it should be stopped. I am not above the law.

You’ve got to watch the politics of AIDS. The politics of AIDS can work both for and against the victims of AIDS.

In war, you can only be killed once, but in politics, many times.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

The New Deal repudiation of democracy has left the Republican Party alone the guardian of the Ark of the Covenant with its charter of freedom.

An election is a moral horror, as bad as a battle except for the blood; a mud bath for every soul concerned in it.

The first panacea for a mismanaged nation is inflation of the currency; the second is war. Both bring a temporary prosperity; both bring a permanent ruin. But both are the refuge of political and economic opportunists.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Politics is the most important of the civil activities and has its own field of action, which is not that of religion.

The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

Propaganda is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

There is not a liberal America and a conservative America – there is the United States of America. There is not a black America and a white America and latino America and asian America – there’s the United States of America.

In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.

A reactionary is a somnambulist walking backwards.

One lesson you better learn if you want to be in politics is that you never go out on a golf course and beat the President.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

Nationalism has a way of oppressing others.

Say there’s a white kid who lives in a nice home, goes to an all-white school, and is pretty much having everything handed to him on a platter – for him to pick up a rap tape is incredible to me, because what that’s saying is that he’s living a fantasy life of rebellion.

A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.

Fortunately, we have help from the media. I have to say this: I’m very grateful for the support and kindness that we’ve gotten. People have respected their privacy and in that way, I think, you know, no matter what people may feel about my husband’s policies or what have you, they care about children and that’s been good to see.

All modern revolutions have ended in a reinforcement of the power of the State.

I loved being Secretary of State, that’s probably evident to everyone who watched me.

Political chaos is connected with the decay of language… one can probably bring about some improvement by starting at the verbal end.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

No Government can be long secure without a formidable Opposition.

I think that people are tired. They’re tired of the same old kind of politics. People want a new tone to politics.

Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen.

Freedom does not die from frontal attack. It dies because men in power no longer believe in a system based upon liberty.

It is as hard and severe a thing to be a true politician as to be truly moral.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

When George W. Bush came into office, North Korea had maybe one nuclear weapon and verifiably wasn’t producing any more.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

I do not think I could myself be brought to support a man for office whom I knew to be an open enemy of, and scoffer at, religion.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Most liberals think of civil liberties as their Achilles heel. It isn’t.

Politics is applesauce.

There is a group of people that I think in good faith honestly believe that further curtailing our Second Amendment rights will enhance public safety. But there’s another group that just hates the Second Amendment.

Be extra careful in the work environment with those who like to maintain their position through charm and being political, rather than getting things done. They are very prone to envying and hating those who work hard and get results. They will slander and sabotage you without any warning.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.