There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

Democracy don’t rule the world, You’d better get that in your head; This world is ruled by violence, But I guess that’s better left unsaid.

Man is not free unless government is limited.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

Politics, as a practise, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organization of hatreds.

Our country was founded by geniuses, but it’s being run by idiots.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

Everybody is a political person, whether you say something or you are silent. A political attitude is not whether you go to parliament; it’s how you deal with your life, with your surroundings.

The ignorance of one voter in a democracy impairs the security of all.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

I don’t write policy for my government.

Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

Yup, the whole birther movement was racist.

I can’t go out with a Republican.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

Remember, it is not about voting for the perfect candidate – there is no such thing. Presidents are human.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

I think, under President Obama, who was a really bright guy – I didn’t agree with a lot of his politics – but we got to the point internationally where our friends didn’t trust us. They were confused. And our enemies didn’t quite respect us.

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

John F. Kennedy was the victim of the hate that was a part of our country. It is a disease that occupies the minds of the few but brings danger to the many.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Unlike my opponent, I will not let oil companies write this country’s energy plan, or endanger our coastlines, or collect another $4 billion in corporate welfare from our taxpayers.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

Democratic societies are unfit for the publication of such thunderous revelations as I am in the habit of making.

The Republican Party has become overwhelmingly so extreme that it’s hardly a traditional political party anymore.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

I think that people are tired. They’re tired of the same old kind of politics. People want a new tone to politics.

Magnanimity in politics is not seldom the truest wisdom; and a great empire and little minds go ill together.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

It’s nice to say let’s be bipartisan. But we’re a partisan nation. We were raised as a partisan nation.

I will not run for president. No, nope, not going to do it.

We have to do more than just elect a new President if we truly want to change this country.

History shows that, more often than not, loss of sovereignty leads to liberalisation imposed in the interests of the powerful.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

The last thing I wanted to do was to be a wartime President.

Honor is not the exclusive property of any political party.

The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it’s been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking.

The intersection of law, politics, and technology is going to force a lot of good thinking.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

All the political angst and moral melodrama about getting ‚the rich‘ to pay ‚their fair share‘ is part of a big charade. This is not about economics, it is about politics.

Remember, no one decides who they’re going to vote for based on the vice president. I mean that literally.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.