There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

A home without books is a body without soul.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

The happiest women, like the happiest nations, have no history.

Admiration is the daughter of ignorance.

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

Necessity dispenseth with decorum.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

I hate to be smart.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

When words are scarce they are seldom spent in vain.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Age appears to be best in four things; old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

That is never too often repeated, which is never sufficiently learned.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

People until I was 60 would always say they thought I looked younger, which I think, without flattering myself, I did, but I think I certainly have, as George Orwell says people do after a certain age, the face they deserve.

Here is the rule to remember in the future, When anything tempts you to be bitter: not, ‚This is a misfortune‘ but ‚To bear this worthily is good fortune.‘

In married life three is company and two none.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?