There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don’t get that.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

When I was on TV in the ’80s, I wasn’t thinking, ‚There’s a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he’s gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.‘ I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they’re influenced by me – it’s bizarre.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

I grew up in a funny way.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

I’ve got a great sense of humor, and if I’m able to say or do something in a movie that people feel like they want to repeat, that’s hugely flattering.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

I now have two different audiences. There’s the one that has been watching my action films for 20 years, and the American family audience. American jokes, less fighting.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.