There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

One of the things I’ve told men over and over and over and over is if you’re being rejected by all the women that you approach, it’s not the women!

Married or single, you sisters possess distinctive capabilities and special intuition you have received as gifts from God. We brethren cannot duplicate your unique influence.

A man’s growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends.

Be polite to all, but intimate with few.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

I am not very good with relationships. With anyone. I can’t be locked up with anyone for too long.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

There’s nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It’s a thing no married man knows anything about.

If you would be loved, love, and be loveable.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

Since it is difficult to join them together, it is safer to be feared than to be loved when one of the two must be lacking.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

It was weird to be married; you kind of lose your identity. You’re suddenly somebody’s wife. And you’re like, ‚Oh, I’m half of a couple now. I’ve lost me.‘

The reason why men do not obey us, is because they see the mud at the bottom of our eye.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

You don’t sign up for a divorce when you get married. It’s very painful. But it’s taught me a great deal about myself.

Knavery and flattery are blood relations.

I have a personal ambition to live my life honestly and honor the true love that I’ve had and also the people I’ve had around me. I want to stay hopeful, even though I get scared about why we’re even alive at all.

If someone lies, well, you had a choice to trust that person or not. I think the way my father raised me, well, he trusted everybody. And that worked for him.

A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I am a bit of a solitude person – a solitary personality. I like being on my own. I don’t have any major friendships or relationships with people.

In nature we never see anything isolated, but everything in connection with something else which is before it, beside it, under it and over it.

I don’t have to ‚freedom-kiss‘ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.

Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.

Love is a serious mental disease.

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.

Sometimes you can’t prioritise family and you feel guilty.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.

Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years. For the next five years, scold them. By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend. Your grown up children are your best friends.

Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing.

I believe a marriage is between a man and a woman.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. I am not in favor of gay marriage. But when you start playing around with constitutions, just to prohibit somebody who cares about another person, it just seems to me that’s not what America’s about. Usually, our constitutions expand liberties, they don’t contract them.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

Friendship is the marriage of the soul, and this marriage is liable to divorce.

Any man who doesn’t love his mama can’t be no friend of mine.

I have more friends in New York than Paris.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

What ever disunites man from God, also disunites man from man.

When your mother asks, ‚Do you want a piece of advice?‘ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

Tell your wife often how terrific she looks.

The most dangerous word in any human tongue is the word for brother. It’s inflammatory.

Often we can help each other most by leaving each other alone; at other times we need the hand-grasp and the word of cheer.

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

I’m sick of the tabloids‘ saying I obsess over guys. Why would you obsess over guys? They don’t like it.

There is a sort of jealousy which needs very little fire; it is hardly a passion, but a blight bred in the cloudy, damp despondency of uneasy egoism.