The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

Confusion of goals and perfection of means seems, in my opinion, to characterize our age.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

As every divided kingdom falls, so every mind divided between many studies confounds and saps itself.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

I’m a Bangalore boy.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

The attempt and not the deed confounds us.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Love is the missing factor; there is a lack of affection, of warmth in relationship; and because we lack that love, that tenderness, that generosity, that mercy in relationship, we escape into mass action, which produces further confusion, further misery.

The secret to humor is surprise.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I’m not sure if it’s good to have freedom or not. I’m really confused now.