The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

My whole family are hams. They’re storytellers and everyone outdoes the next one.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Stand-up is hard.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

The French complain of everything, and always.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.