The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

I hate to be smart.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

The French complain of everything, and always.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I grew up in a funny way.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.