The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

I watched Titanic when I got back home from the hospital, and cried. I knew that my IQ had been damaged.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Lettin‘ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‚n puttin‘ it back in.

My son has died of AIDS.

I’m not resigned, but I’m realistic too. The statistics in my case are very poor. Not many people come through esophageal cancer and live to talk about it, or not for long. And the other wager is, the part of the wager, it’s a certainty you’ll have a terrible time and you may wish you were dying because it’s an awful process.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

We can be thankful to a friend for a few acres, or a little money; and yet for the freedom and command of the whole earth, and for the great benefits of our being, our life, health, and reason, we look upon ourselves as under no obligation.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

The health of the eye seems to demand a horizon. We are never tired, so long as we can see far enough.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Exercise is labor without weariness.

To my mathematical brain, the numbers alone make thinking about aliens perfectly rational. The real challenge is to work out what aliens might actually be like.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I’m healthy as can be – not an ache or a pain. A lot of my prayer is thanking the Lord that I am healthy. I pray for long life and good health.

I don’t sleep much. I don’t sleep much – I work, I work, I work.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

Unlike Europe, China can’t be intimidated. Europe backs down if the United States looks at it the wrong way. But China, they’ve been there for 3,000 years and are paying no attention to the barbarians and don’t see any need to.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

To keep the body in good health is a duty… otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.

Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If there’s a pregnancy rumor, people will find out it’s not true when you wind up not being pregnant, like nine months from now, and if there’s a house rumor, they’ll find out it’s not true when you are actively not ever spotted at that house.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I eat next to nothing.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

I actually feel more of a woman because I feel like I’m being smart about my choices, and I’m putting my family first, and I’m in charge of my life and my health. I think that’s what makes a woman complete.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

I think sometimes the best training is to rest.

Most women in my family start to get sick and start dying in their 40s, and I am going to be very happy to become 50 and 60. I love getting older.

And all who told it added something new, and all who heard it, made enlargements too.

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

You know why Foo Fighters have been a band for 20 years? Because I’ve never really told anybody what I think of them. The last thing you ever want to do is go to therapy with your band.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as friendly to the mind as to the body.

Don’t get old, if you can avoid it.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

I have quite a decent constitution in spite of all my abuse of it and my advanced years. I’m still quite robust.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

I sometimes wish I were suffering in a good cause, or risking my life for the good of others, instead of just being a gravely endangered patient.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

A feeble body weakens the mind.

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.